Tom Ryan's 21 Questions

Tom Ryan's 21 Questions

1. Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

No. But back in 1986 I almost got arrested for breaking into show business.

2. Are you a "hat guy" or a "no-hat guy?"

I struggle with this question everyday. I've come up with the perfect solution. I now wear a hat that says "I'm a no-hat guy".

3. What is your favorite section of the newspaper?

I hate them all. They're all impossible to fold and unfold. They have to do something about that. If only there was some other way to get my news.

4. What movie makes you laugh every time you see it?

I think I'll go with the obvious comedic twist on this one. Grapes of Wrath.

5. Which type of act is hardest to follow?

A talented, charismatic, hack.

6. When you fly, do you order beef, chicken or fish?

I only eat things that are what they say they are. I eat chicken and fish. I don't eat cow and pig.

7. What is the ideal Tom Ryan Pre-Show meal?

Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks. After all, they're the hotdog of the seafood world. And when I'm done I like to have some Cheez-its. And here's a suggestion for all of you. If you ever run out of croutons for your salad, use Cheez-its. Not Cheese Nips. It has to be Cheez-its.

8. What surprise would you like to find in a box of Cracker Jacks?

How 'bout a floppy disc with an hour of brand new original comedy material on it. Everyone would think that I came up with all that stuff.

9. Who made you laugh hardest when you were 10 years old?

Bill Cosby. I learned more about the story of Noah and the Ark from Bill Cosby than I did from attending Catholic school.

10. In the "It occurred onstage" category, which Tom Ryan story is most often retold by you or by others?

I think all comedians love telling stories about their favorite hell gigs. I guess I've had worse but for some reason this one really stuck in my head. It occurred in Sumpter, South Carolina in the early 90's in front of a predominantly military audience. I've always found that the officers clubs are pretty good crowds. But when you get into the rank and file enlisted guys, it's a different ball game. It was a standard hell gig. A lot of hostility, a lot of alcohol, a lot of staring, and a lot of looking at me with absolute certainty that I had no business being on that stage. They almost seemed curious about how I could possibly convince myself that I was funny. This crowd's idea of what is funny was a lot different than mine. I've always noticed that with certain people, the mere act of getting on stage and, without specifically saying so, making the statement "I think I'm funny and I think you should listen to me", brings out their hostility. It's almost always guys, they're almost always young and they are almost always drunk. I will never forget this one particular guy up front with a perfect buzz cut yelling at me just loud enough for me to hear it. He kept saying "fuck you, man" over and over again. And then his friends started to get behind him. He wasn't saying it all that loud but it was clear that he hated me with all his being. This was not friendly heckling. That whole vibe eventually spread through the crowd. And then the feeling became mutual. So instead of trying to endear myself to the crowd, I started acting as though I didn't care about their reaction. I started acting very unmoved by their statement which was "you suck". And at this point I didn't want them to "get" or appreciate anything I had to say. I wanted to amplify the canyon that now separated us. Because by this time I despised them as well. This got them even madder - almost as if to say, "how dare he present us with these ideas that he is convinced are funny". I almost got the sense that they were insulted. After the show, one of the guys tried to pick a fight with me. Imagine that, trying to pick a fight, over comedy.

11. In the "It occurred offstage" category, which Tom Ryan story is most often retold by you or by others.

In 1993 my car died and for a couple of months I continued to work the road via Greyhound. People just couldn't picture me riding Greyhound. On one trip from Louisville to Cleveland a major fight broke out on the bus. That generally doesn't happen when you fly. I did my best to avoid the carnage. On most trips, I was always the last one picked when the Crips and Bloods were choosing up sides. On another trip, the club in Indianapolis had an arrangement where they would you pick you up at the airport in a limo. They asked me when my flight would be in and I had to tell them I was going to be arriving by bus. "OK, no problem, when does your bus get in." I think I was the first guy in the history of the world to step off of a Greyhound bus and get on to a stretch limo. It gave me the bends. It was worth it just to see the looks on the faces of my fellow bus passengers. "Who the hell was that guy?"

12. What has been your finest standup-related experience to date?

I'll cheat here and mention two. In 1993 I was working a club at Bally's in Las Vegas. George Carlin was appearing in the Bally's Theatre. I somehow finagled a way to see his show and get backstage. He is my all time comedy hero. I got to talk to him for about 5 to 10 minutes about comedy. It was amazing. I told him how much I liked his last two HBO specials and happened to mention that I only got to see the last half of the last one. He said, "Oh, you have to see the whole thing." So he took my name and address and sent tapes of his last two HBO specials to me in the mail. Another great experience was working at the Chicago Comedy Festival last year. It was as much fun as I've ever had in Comedy - onstage and off.

13. If you could open for one band, who would it be?

The band that Bob Dylan used on his fall '99 tour. And as long as I'm opening for that exact band, we might as well let Bob be the lead singer.

14. What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid?

For some reason I always went out as a bum. That's what we called it - a bum. Every year, I was basically a homeless guy. Maybe my parents had very low expectations for my future. They figured I might as well get used to it.

15. What could make you quit comedy?

If I was ever forced to make a return appearance at any one of the following one nighters: Ozark, Alabama, Sumpter, South Carolina, Greenwood, South Carolina or Destin, Florida.

16. What five guests would be on "The Tom Ryan Christmas Special?"

Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr and of course, Brian McKim, Founder, Chairman and CEO of Amalgamated Shecky Enterprises.

17. Which Tom would you like to have lunch with, Tom Brokaw, Tom Arnold or Tom Terrific?

My favorite half hour of TV just happens to be the NBC Nightly news with Tom Brokaw. I even call it "The Tom Brokaw Show."

18. Is there anything special you'd you like to be buried with?

Yes, it would have to be a very complicated machine that would be capable of performing some very specific functions. Follow closely here. This machine would have to have the ability to keep my "final resting place" as airtight as possible in order to preserve me. It would also have the ability to wirelessly monitor the Internet for the next 500 to 1000 years or so. At some point the Internet is going to become obsolete. It will be viewed as a rather crude communication device used by primitive people. But even at the tail end of the Internet days, there will be some people out there still using it - kind of like the modern day rotary dialer. Anyway, the machine would do constant word searches of the Internet and when it determines that the technology for immortality has finally been perfected, it would dig itself out and go and tell the world about the perfectly preserved 20th Century comedian that lies just over yonder. I would be revived and instantly become the lead story in the lower half of the Universe. And finally, I would attain the fame that I never got in my first incarnation. Granted, my material would be a little dated by then, but still.

19. What was your New Year's resolution?

To stop saying the word "um".

20. Using the Tom Ryan Time Machine, which classic television show would you put yourself into?

Wait a minute, how'd you find out about the Tom Ryan Time Machine? Sheckyglobenborg pi 413, is that really you? I would definitely go back to Gilligan's Island but only if I could go to the episode where they found the radioactive vegetables. I've got to try some of Mrs. Howell's radioactive sugar beets.

21. Here's where we let you pick the question...What question would you like us to ask Tom Ryan?

21. Being that this is question #21 of 21 Questions, can you describe your political philosophy in 21 words or less?

I think I can do it in EXACTLY 21 words. Start counting right now. OK, now. I consider myself to be a radical, in your face moderate. My only picket sign reads "I can see both sides." OK, stop counting.

21. ALTERNATE VERSION. What is your political philosophy? I consider myself to be a radical, in your face moderate.

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	Tom Ryan's 21 Questions 1. Have you ever been convicted of a felony? No. But back in 1986 I almost got arrested for breaking into show business. 2. Are you a "hat guy" or a "no-hat guy?" I struggle with this question everyday. I've come up with the perfect solution. I now wear a hat that says "I'm a no-hat guy". 3. What is your favorite section of the newspaper? I hate them all. They're all impossible to fold and unfold. They have to do something about that. If only there was some other way to get my news. 4. What movie makes you laugh every time you see it? I think I'll go with the obvious comedic twist on this one. Grapes of Wrath. 5. Which type of act is hardest to follow? A talented, charismatic, hack. 6. When you fly, do you order beef, chicken or fish? I only eat things that are what they say they are. I eat chicken and fish. I don't eat cow and pig. 7. What is the ideal Tom Ryan Pre-Show meal? Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks. After all, they're the hotdog of the seafood world. And when I'm done I like to have some Cheez-its. And here's a suggestion for all of you. If you ever run out of croutons for your salad, use Cheez-its. Not Cheese Nips. It has to be Cheez-its. 8. What surprise would you like to find in a box of Cracker Jacks? How 'bout a floppy disc with an hour of brand new original comedy material on it. Everyone would think that I came up with all that stuff. 9. Who made you laugh hardest when you were 10 years old? Bill Cosby. I learned more about the story of Noah and the Ark from Bill Cosby than I did from attending Catholic school. 10. In the "It occurred onstage" category, which Tom Ryan story is most often retold by you or by others? I think all comedians love telling stories about their favorite hell gigs. I guess I've had worse but for some reason this one really stuck in my head. It occurred in Sumpter, South Carolina in the early 90's in front of a predominantly military audience. I've always found that the officers clubs are pretty good crowds. But when you get into the rank and file enlisted guys, it's a different ball game. It was a standard hell gig. A lot of hostility, a lot of alcohol, a lot of staring, and a lot of looking at me with absolute certainty that I had no business being on that stage. They almost seemed curious about how I could possibly convince myself that I was funny. This crowd's idea of what is funny was a lot different than mine. I've always noticed that with certain people, the mere act of getting on stage and, without specifically saying so, making the statement "I think I'm funny and I think you should listen to me", brings out their hostility. It's almost always guys, they're almost always young and they are almost always drunk. I will never forget this one particular guy up front with a perfect buzz cut yelling at me just loud enough for me to hear it. He kept saying "fuck you, man" over and over again. And then his friends started to get behind him. He wasn't saying it all that loud but it was clear that he hated me with all his being. This was not friendly heckling. That whole vibe eventually spread through the crowd. And then the feeling became mutual. So instead of trying to endear myself to the crowd, I started acting as though I didn't care about their reaction. I started acting very unmoved by their statement which was "you suck". And at this point I didn't want them to "get" or appreciate anything I had to say. I wanted to amplify the canyon that now separated us. Because by this time I despised them as well. This got them even madder - almost as if to say, "how dare he present us with these ideas that he is convinced are funny". I almost got the sense that they were insulted. After the show, one of the guys tried to pick a fight with me. Imagine that, trying to pick a fight, over comedy. 11. In the "It occurred offstage" category, which Tom Ryan story is most often retold by you or by others. In 1993 my car died and for a couple of months I continued to work the road via Greyhound. People just couldn't picture me riding Greyhound. On one trip from Louisville to Cleveland a major fight broke out on the bus. That generally doesn't happen when you fly. I did my best to avoid the carnage. On most trips, I was always the last one picked when the Crips and Bloods were choosing up sides. On another trip, the club in Indianapolis had an arrangement where they would you pick you up at the airport in a limo. They asked me when my flight would be in and I had to tell them I was going to be arriving by bus. "OK, no problem, when does your bus get in." I think I was the first guy in the history of the world to step off of a Greyhound bus and get on to a stretch limo. It gave me the bends. It was worth it just to see the looks on the faces of my fellow bus passengers. "Who the hell was that guy?" 12. What has been your finest standup-related experience to date? I'll cheat here and mention two. In 1993 I was working a club at Bally's in Las Vegas. George Carlin was appearing in the Bally's Theatre. I somehow finagled a way to see his show and get backstage. He is my all time comedy hero. I got to talk to him for about 5 to 10 minutes about comedy. It was amazing. I told him how much I liked his last two HBO specials and happened to mention that I only got to see the last half of the last one. He said, "Oh, you have to see the whole thing." So he took my name and address and sent tapes of his last two HBO specials to me in the mail. Another great experience was working at the Chicago Comedy Festival last year. It was as much fun as I've ever had in Comedy - onstage and off. 13. If you could open for one band, who would it be? The band that Bob Dylan used on his fall '99 tour. And as long as I'm opening for that exact band, we might as well let Bob be the lead singer. 14. What was your favorite Halloween costume as a kid? For some reason I always went out as a bum. That's what we called it - a bum. Every year, I was basically a homeless guy. Maybe my parents had very low expectations for my future. They figured I might as well get used to it. 15. What could make you quit comedy? If I was ever forced to make a return appearance at any one of the following one nighters: Ozark, Alabama, Sumpter, South Carolina, Greenwood, South Carolina or Destin, Florida. 16. What five guests would be on "The Tom Ryan Christmas Special?" Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr and of course, Brian McKim, Founder, Chairman and CEO of Amalgamated Shecky Enterprises. 17. Which Tom would you like to have lunch with, Tom Brokaw, Tom Arnold or Tom Terrific? My favorite half hour of TV just happens to be the NBC Nightly news with Tom Brokaw. I even call it "The Tom Brokaw Show." 18. Is there anything special you'd you like to be buried with? Yes, it would have to be a very complicated machine that would be capable of performing some very specific functions. Follow closely here. This machine would have to have the ability to keep my "final resting place" as airtight as possible in order to preserve me. It would also have the ability to wirelessly monitor the Internet for the next 500 to 1000 years or so. At some point the Internet is going to become obsolete. It will be viewed as a rather crude communication device used by primitive people. But even at the tail end of the Internet days, there will be some people out there still using it - kind of like the modern day rotary dialer. Anyway, the machine would do constant word searches of the Internet and when it determines that the technology for immortality has finally been perfected, it would dig itself out and go and tell the world about the perfectly preserved 20th Century comedian that lies just over yonder. I would be revived and instantly become the lead story in the lower half of the Universe. And finally, I would attain the fame that I never got in my first incarnation. Granted, my material would be a little dated by then, but still. 19. What was your New Year's resolution? To stop saying the word "um". 20. Using the Tom Ryan Time Machine, which classic television show would you put yourself into? Wait a minute, how'd you find out about the Tom Ryan Time Machine? Sheckyglobenborg pi 413, is that really you? I would definitely go back to Gilligan's Island but only if I could go to the episode where they found the radioactive vegetables. I've got to try some of Mrs. Howell's radioactive sugar beets. 21. Here's where we let you pick the question...What question would you like us to ask Tom Ryan? 21. Being that this is question #21 of 21 Questions, can you describe your political philosophy in 21 words or less? I think I can do it in EXACTLY 21 words. Start counting right now. OK, now. I consider myself to be a radical, in your face moderate. My only picket sign reads "I can see both sides." OK, stop counting. 21. ALTERNATE VERSION. What is your political philosophy? I consider myself to be a radical, in your face moderate. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers