A Tribute To George Carlin

A Tribute To George Carlin

Last night I was supposed to stay home and write my Shecky article. I was all prepared to sit down and write a nice coherent story about taping an appearance on the standup show on NBC called Late Friday. Instead, a friend of mine, and fellow Comedian, Matt Davis called, and said he had two tickets to go see a live interview with George Carlin at the Writer's Guild of America Theater. I had to go. George Carlin just might be my favorite comedian of all time. I know I'm not alone on that one. What a great experience this was - to see George Carlin in a small theater talking about comedy, writing, life and his new book - Napalm and Silly Putty. It's written in the same style as his last book - Braindroppings. I bought a copy of the book in the lobby. I had already decided to buy the book a few days ago anyway. But now, I was able to buy a copy and get it signed by George. When I got home there was still plenty of time to write my Shecky article. But that copy of Napalm and Silly Putty was sitting right there. The deadline was fast approaching but this book was too hilarious - every bit as good as Braindroppings. How does he do it? I've decided to write this month's article interspersed with some of my own braindroppings. Here goes.

Ya never see a flock of Woodpeckers.

When I add it all up, in the past week I've seen nine acres of cleavage.

In Kansas, people say, "My apartment is only 70,000 blocks from the beach."

To all new babies everywhere: "Welcome to the planet, sorry about the mess."

If pinball had referees: "We got a tilting foul, player # 2 - extra ball!"

I'm thinking of switching Chocolatiers.

What if all religions were represented at the pearly gates? We might hear the following: "I just wanted to let everyone know - Baptists, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists - you were way off. Rastafarians, follow me. And bring your lighters."

Sometimes you run out of breath but you're determined to finish the sentence anyway.

Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie never used contractions.

I come from a long line of ironers.

Although a lot of people would like you to believe otherwise, more tattoos make you less real.

In general, rich people live near salt water and poor people live near fresh water.

I'm having trouble with my L's today.

I taped my appearance on Late Friday at NBC Studios in Burbank. This is the show that somewhere along the line billed itself as "alternative". Or at least that is how it came to be perceived among the rank and file of the comedy community. I learned something from trying to put my setlist together. Alternative Comedy is alive and well and it's living up in my head criticizing every bit that I've ever written. Alternative comics use the term "roady" or "old school" or "eighties" to describe someone like myself. These are derogatory terms that I have come to despise. Among alternative comics the word "roady" ranks up there with Leprosy. While preparing for the show, every time I decided on a certain bit for the taping, I could hear them yelling. ROADEEEEE!

The problem with controversy is that it's no longer controversial.

Kick back, relapse and enjoy.

Eminem aka Slim Shady aka Vanilla Dice.

When did the assholes of the world start justifying their behavior by saying, "hey, I'm just being honest?"

Fuck Segues.

I'm way behind on my porn.

I don't trust ants. I think they're plotting a takeover.

Dinosaurs got killed off by a large asteroid about 65 million years ago. Evidently, back then God did not work in mysterious ways.

Whenever I'm walking down the street and I see someone I don't know, I nod at them and say, "It's a big world."

When I drove in to the parking lot at NBC, I arrived at the guard gate at the same time that a Model T from the 1920's was leaving. I thought, "hmmm, a Model T leaving the NBC Studios. I'll bet that's Jay Leno." Sure enough, it was Jay Leno. My window was already rolled down so that I could get my parking pass. And his car didn't really have any windows. I've never met Jay Leno but I yelled over to him anyway. "Hey Jay." He waved and smiled and honked with one of those 1920's sounding horns. So this rather surreal scene is how my night got started.

Number one on the list of phrases you'll never hear on the news: "The gun wielding Buddhist."

The torch has been passed to a new generation - and they're really stupid.

I have to tell you all about the time I was a kid and I hit a home run playing Wiffle Ball. I hit a slow curve way over the fence in right field and it landed in the Miller's back yard. It was a big moment for me. I know it doesn't mean much to you. But you're reading it. And that means that you're going to get done with my article a minute later than if I hadn't included this little anecdote. That means that the destiny of your day has been shifted by one full minute. So if you would have left your house today and gotten into a car accident, now you're leaving your house a minute later and maybe that guy who runs the red light doesn't hit anyone. This never-ending ripple effect could have serious repercussions down the road. I think there is a good chance that I either just prevented or caused World War Three. We'll never know for sure. I never should have swung at that pitch.

I used to do a bit in my act about that Crocodile Hunter. There, I had to get that off my chest.

Did you know that there are only 11 people left in the US who consider themselves mainstream?

Hey, Picasso Face!

People don't have enough pride in their continent anymore. That's what separates me from the pack. I'm proud to be a North American.

She brings out the introvert in me.

Isn't life ridiculous? Sometimes you realize that you didn't even realize that your refrigerator was buzzing. You generally come to this realization six nanoseconds after it stops buzzing. And for some reason it gives you a little bit of a sinking feeling.

It's a shallow world - dive in.

Someone in the audience last night asked George Carlin if he pays attention to the current scene in standup. He said he likes Lewis Black, Mitch Hedberg and Kevin Meany. He pointed out that they all have a little bit of a dark slant to their comedy. He also said he really likes Louie Anderson and thinks that Louie Anderson doesn't get enough credit for his standup.

Ya never see a homeless guy with a box of Godiva Chocolates.

It's almost impossible to go on a Xanax bender.

What if the Amish turn out to be right?

All human beings are severely damaged masterpieces.

I knew a bartender who said that she "has a following". That might be true but I think the alcohol has little bit of a following too.

In college I had a triple major: False advertising, Reverse Psychology and Broken English.

Everybody generalizes about everything.

Isn't it kind of impossible to be "held without bond?"

God is on the mound and he's throwing 98 mile per hour knuckle balls.

On the other hand, road comics think that alternative comedy is nothing but a bunch of angry young brooding kids who only have seven minutes of material and live in LA and have waiter jobs and look down their noses at people who actually make a living at comedy. Both sides are right and both sides are wrong. It's very gray. People hate it when things are gray. At the taping, I followed Laura Kightlinger. She's considered alternative and she's very funny. Believe it or not, there are plenty of funny people living in Los Angeles.

I don't think the narrators on those nature shows should refer to beetles as succulent.

There are actually people out there who "act as though" they're addicted to heroin.

He's a Mock Rock Shock Jock.

God's recipe for life: Take 6 billion assorted humans. Mix thoroughly. Take 2 parts war, 1 part famine, 5 parts confusion and a liberal helping of frustration. Add forty tons of opinions and a pinch of goodness. Apply pressure. Poke hole in ozone. Stir. Simmer. Drain.

I like doing the things that I do when I have something else to do.

I've decided to work a new phrase into my small talk repertoire - "way to go". So far it's working pretty well but now I'm a little worried that I'm starting to say it way too much.

Ignorance in large numbers - that's what Democracy is all about.

Recently, there was a really bad collision at the corner of Big Idea and Tiny Mind.

We basically live in a grumpy world.

On windy days I used to light all my cigarettes before I left the house.

The Date: February 11, 2058. The Place: Heaven. One show only: Crosby, Stills Nash and Beethoven. Opening act: Iron Butterfly featuring Ricky Martin performing their number 1 smash hit IN-A-GADA-DA-VIDA-LOCA. Be there!

I met George Carlin back in 1993 in Las Vegas. I was working at the Catch A Rising Star in Bally's Casino. He was working the big theater at Bally's. Through various means, I was able to put a call in to George Carlin's room. He wasn't in so I left a message on his voice mail and got up enough nerve to ask him for a ticket to his show. A day later, he called the voice mail in my room and to the best of my recollection, left the following message. And by the way, I have told so many people this story over the years that I think my recollection of the message is pretty accurate - especially since I listened to it about fifteen times. It was the night they demolished the Dunes Hotel, which is right across from Bally's. Here is what I heard on my hotel voice mail: "Hey Tom Ryan how ya doin? It's George Carlin. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I've been rehearsing for this sitcom thing that I have comin' up. By all means, stop by to the show. Tonight's show has been delayed because of that Dunes Hotel Explosion. I don't buy all that implosion bullshit. Those are explosives. It's a fuckin' explosion. By the way, Tom Ryan was a guy who grew up across the alley from me. There was Tom Ryan, his sisters Marie Ryan, Rita Ryan and the whole fuckin' Ryan family. Tom ended up being a cop but the rest of them turned out okay. So anyway, let me know what show you want to come too and I'll have some tickets for ya. Oh, and when the show is over stop back and say hello. Okay. See ya later." I went to the show, laughed hard for a solid hour, got to meet him afterwards, talked to him for ten minutes, told him how much I enjoyed his HBO Specials but that I only caught the last half of his most recent one. He took my address and a couple days later mailed me his two most recent HBO Specials. It was one of the definite highlights of my life in comedy so far.

I have all the numbers from 1 to 483 memorized.

A pencil eraser never works when it's covered with earwax.

Keith Richards doesn't strike me as a morning person.

My fourth grade Catholic school teacher was really tall. We used to call her Wilt Chambernun.

Someday there will be such a thing as Pot Futures.

I didn't realize how good of a day it had been until you came along and ruined it.

I used to be a wannabe.

Some people consider "Fireworks" to be a complete sentence.

Everybody has weird elbows.

I used to think that ALL people were basically good. Then I thought that MOST people were basically good. Then I thought that SOME people were basically good. Then I thought that there aren't very many good people out there. Then I thought ALL people suck except me. And now I hate myself.

Our top story tonight - deranged mental patient demands media coverage.

I can remember the exact sound of every squeaky door in every place I've ever lived.

The Actor Rip Torn has a few brothers - Bend Broken, Kick Dented and Drop Shattered.

The meat tenderizer industry is sending mixed signals - do they want us to bring out the flavor or lock the flavor in?

My politics can be summed up as follows: I'm right in the middle of the left.

Somewhere out there is a comedian who is considered a thinking man's hack.

In it's heyday, Jerusalem had more Messiah's per capita than any other town.

I thought my Premium Blend taping a few months ago went well. Then I saw it and didn't really like it. So I'll reserve judgement on how this particular appearance went. But I will say this. I was a lot less nervous taping Late Friday than I was at Premium Blend. My appearance on Late Friday will air May 18th on NBC right after Conan.

close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page


	A Tribute To George Carlin Last night I was supposed to stay home and write my Shecky article. I was all prepared to sit down and write a nice coherent story about taping an appearance on the standup show on NBC called Late Friday. Instead, a friend of mine, and fellow Comedian, Matt Davis called, and said he had two tickets to go see a live interview with George Carlin at the Writer's Guild of America Theater. I had to go. George Carlin just might be my favorite comedian of all time. I know I'm not alone on that one. What a great experience this was - to see George Carlin in a small theater talking about comedy, writing, life and his new book - Napalm and Silly Putty. It's written in the same style as his last book - Braindroppings. I bought a copy of the book in the lobby. I had already decided to buy the book a few days ago anyway. But now, I was able to buy a copy and get it signed by George. When I got home there was still plenty of time to write my Shecky article. But that copy of Napalm and Silly Putty was sitting right there. The deadline was fast approaching but this book was too hilarious - every bit as good as Braindroppings. How does he do it? I've decided to write this month's article interspersed with some of my own braindroppings. Here goes. Ya never see a flock of Woodpeckers. When I add it all up, in the past week I've seen nine acres of cleavage. In Kansas, people say, "My apartment is only 70,000 blocks from the beach." To all new babies everywhere: "Welcome to the planet, sorry about the mess." If pinball had referees: "We got a tilting foul, player # 2 - extra ball!" I'm thinking of switching Chocolatiers. What if all religions were represented at the pearly gates? We might hear the following: "I just wanted to let everyone know - Baptists, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Agnostics, Atheists - you were way off. Rastafarians, follow me. And bring your lighters." Sometimes you run out of breath but you're determined to finish the sentence anyway. Jeannie from I Dream of Jeannie never used contractions. I come from a long line of ironers. Although a lot of people would like you to believe otherwise, more tattoos make you less real. In general, rich people live near salt water and poor people live near fresh water. I'm having trouble with my L's today. I taped my appearance on Late Friday at NBC Studios in Burbank. This is the show that somewhere along the line billed itself as "alternative". Or at least that is how it came to be perceived among the rank and file of the comedy community. I learned something from trying to put my setlist together. Alternative Comedy is alive and well and it's living up in my head criticizing every bit that I've ever written. Alternative comics use the term "roady" or "old school" or "eighties" to describe someone like myself. These are derogatory terms that I have come to despise. Among alternative comics the word "roady" ranks up there with Leprosy. While preparing for the show, every time I decided on a certain bit for the taping, I could hear them yelling. ROADEEEEE! The problem with controversy is that it's no longer controversial. Kick back, relapse and enjoy. Eminem aka Slim Shady aka Vanilla Dice. When did the assholes of the world start justifying their behavior by saying, "hey, I'm just being honest?" Fuck Segues. I'm way behind on my porn. I don't trust ants. I think they're plotting a takeover. Dinosaurs got killed off by a large asteroid about 65 million years ago. Evidently, back then God did not work in mysterious ways. Whenever I'm walking down the street and I see someone I don't know, I nod at them and say, "It's a big world." When I drove in to the parking lot at NBC, I arrived at the guard gate at the same time that a Model T from the 1920's was leaving. I thought, "hmmm, a Model T leaving the NBC Studios. I'll bet that's Jay Leno." Sure enough, it was Jay Leno. My window was already rolled down so that I could get my parking pass. And his car didn't really have any windows. I've never met Jay Leno but I yelled over to him anyway. "Hey Jay." He waved and smiled and honked with one of those 1920's sounding horns. So this rather surreal scene is how my night got started. Number one on the list of phrases you'll never hear on the news: "The gun wielding Buddhist." The torch has been passed to a new generation - and they're really stupid. I have to tell you all about the time I was a kid and I hit a home run playing Wiffle Ball. I hit a slow curve way over the fence in right field and it landed in the Miller's back yard. It was a big moment for me. I know it doesn't mean much to you. But you're reading it. And that means that you're going to get done with my article a minute later than if I hadn't included this little anecdote. That means that the destiny of your day has been shifted by one full minute. So if you would have left your house today and gotten into a car accident, now you're leaving your house a minute later and maybe that guy who runs the red light doesn't hit anyone. This never-ending ripple effect could have serious repercussions down the road. I think there is a good chance that I either just prevented or caused World War Three. We'll never know for sure. I never should have swung at that pitch. I used to do a bit in my act about that Crocodile Hunter. There, I had to get that off my chest. Did you know that there are only 11 people left in the US who consider themselves mainstream? Hey, Picasso Face! People don't have enough pride in their continent anymore. That's what separates me from the pack. I'm proud to be a North American. She brings out the introvert in me. Isn't life ridiculous? Sometimes you realize that you didn't even realize that your refrigerator was buzzing. You generally come to this realization six nanoseconds after it stops buzzing. And for some reason it gives you a little bit of a sinking feeling. It's a shallow world - dive in. Someone in the audience last night asked George Carlin if he pays attention to the current scene in standup. He said he likes Lewis Black, Mitch Hedberg and Kevin Meany. He pointed out that they all have a little bit of a dark slant to their comedy. He also said he really likes Louie Anderson and thinks that Louie Anderson doesn't get enough credit for his standup. Ya never see a homeless guy with a box of Godiva Chocolates. It's almost impossible to go on a Xanax bender. What if the Amish turn out to be right? All human beings are severely damaged masterpieces. I knew a bartender who said that she "has a following". That might be true but I think the alcohol has little bit of a following too. In college I had a triple major: False advertising, Reverse Psychology and Broken English. Everybody generalizes about everything. Isn't it kind of impossible to be "held without bond?" God is on the mound and he's throwing 98 mile per hour knuckle balls. On the other hand, road comics think that alternative comedy is nothing but a bunch of angry young brooding kids who only have seven minutes of material and live in LA and have waiter jobs and look down their noses at people who actually make a living at comedy. Both sides are right and both sides are wrong. It's very gray. People hate it when things are gray. At the taping, I followed Laura Kightlinger. She's considered alternative and she's very funny. Believe it or not, there are plenty of funny people living in Los Angeles. I don't think the narrators on those nature shows should refer to beetles as succulent. There are actually people out there who "act as though" they're addicted to heroin. He's a Mock Rock Shock Jock. God's recipe for life: Take 6 billion assorted humans. Mix thoroughly. Take 2 parts war, 1 part famine, 5 parts confusion and a liberal helping of frustration. Add forty tons of opinions and a pinch of goodness. Apply pressure. Poke hole in ozone. Stir. Simmer. Drain. I like doing the things that I do when I have something else to do. I've decided to work a new phrase into my small talk repertoire - "way to go". So far it's working pretty well but now I'm a little worried that I'm starting to say it way too much. Ignorance in large numbers - that's what Democracy is all about. Recently, there was a really bad collision at the corner of Big Idea and Tiny Mind. We basically live in a grumpy world. On windy days I used to light all my cigarettes before I left the house. The Date: February 11, 2058. The Place: Heaven. One show only: Crosby, Stills Nash and Beethoven. Opening act: Iron Butterfly featuring Ricky Martin performing their number 1 smash hit IN-A-GADA-DA-VIDA-LOCA. Be there! I met George Carlin back in 1993 in Las Vegas. I was working at the Catch A Rising Star in Bally's Casino. He was working the big theater at Bally's. Through various means, I was able to put a call in to George Carlin's room. He wasn't in so I left a message on his voice mail and got up enough nerve to ask him for a ticket to his show. A day later, he called the voice mail in my room and to the best of my recollection, left the following message. And by the way, I have told so many people this story over the years that I think my recollection of the message is pretty accurate - especially since I listened to it about fifteen times. It was the night they demolished the Dunes Hotel, which is right across from Bally's. Here is what I heard on my hotel voice mail: "Hey Tom Ryan how ya doin? It's George Carlin. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. I've been rehearsing for this sitcom thing that I have comin' up. By all means, stop by to the show. Tonight's show has been delayed because of that Dunes Hotel Explosion. I don't buy all that implosion bullshit. Those are explosives. It's a fuckin' explosion. By the way, Tom Ryan was a guy who grew up across the alley from me. There was Tom Ryan, his sisters Marie Ryan, Rita Ryan and the whole fuckin' Ryan family. Tom ended up being a cop but the rest of them turned out okay. So anyway, let me know what show you want to come too and I'll have some tickets for ya. Oh, and when the show is over stop back and say hello. Okay. See ya later." I went to the show, laughed hard for a solid hour, got to meet him afterwards, talked to him for ten minutes, told him how much I enjoyed his HBO Specials but that I only caught the last half of his most recent one. He took my address and a couple days later mailed me his two most recent HBO Specials. It was one of the definite highlights of my life in comedy so far. I have all the numbers from 1 to 483 memorized. A pencil eraser never works when it's covered with earwax. Keith Richards doesn't strike me as a morning person. My fourth grade Catholic school teacher was really tall. We used to call her Wilt Chambernun. Someday there will be such a thing as Pot Futures. I didn't realize how good of a day it had been until you came along and ruined it. I used to be a wannabe. Some people consider "Fireworks" to be a complete sentence. Everybody has weird elbows. I used to think that ALL people were basically good. Then I thought that MOST people were basically good. Then I thought that SOME people were basically good. Then I thought that there aren't very many good people out there. Then I thought ALL people suck except me. And now I hate myself. Our top story tonight - deranged mental patient demands media coverage. I can remember the exact sound of every squeaky door in every place I've ever lived. The Actor Rip Torn has a few brothers - Bend Broken, Kick Dented and Drop Shattered. The meat tenderizer industry is sending mixed signals - do they want us to bring out the flavor or lock the flavor in? My politics can be summed up as follows: I'm right in the middle of the left. Somewhere out there is a comedian who is considered a thinking man's hack. In it's heyday, Jerusalem had more Messiah's per capita than any other town. I thought my Premium Blend taping a few months ago went well. Then I saw it and didn't really like it. So I'll reserve judgement on how this particular appearance went. But I will say this. I was a lot less nervous taping Late Friday than I was at Premium Blend. My appearance on Late Friday will air May 18th on NBC right after Conan. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers