Oh, How I Hated This Movie

Oh, How I Hated This Movie

I recently completed an eight-week course in screenwriting so I've been paying a lot more attention to movies these days. When I first heard that there was a movie being made about Pearl Harbor I was very excited. I was looking forward to seeing how this incredible war story would be portrayed by the modern day Hollywood that had the latest and greatest technology and special effects. This could be the perfect follow up to Saving Private Ryan. Then I heard that Pearl Harbor was being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. My heart immediately sank. Pearl Harbor was one of the most important events in American history and Hollywood went and gave the ball to Jerry Bruckheimer, the man who is almost single-handedly responsible for the dumbed down state that most movies are in today.

So knowing that this was a Bruckheimer summer blockbuster that would do everything possible to get that number one ranked opening weekend, I braced myself for the continuous carpet bombing of trailer ads that were about to invade my TV. And sure enough, they showed up right on schedule in all their button pushing glory. Every one of them was narrated by that same guy who does the voice over for every movie trailer - the guy who ends the last syllable of every single word that he says with a manipulative growl. Coming this Summerrrrrrr. Pearl Harborrrrrrrrr. Decemberrrrr. Nineteen forty onnnnnne. It's designed to make us feel all tough guy inside. Unless it's a feel good movie, then he changes his delivery to mushy and they throw in a bunch of chimes to tell our spines exactly when they should tingle. He's gotten a lot worse in the last couple years and it's really starting to get ugly. He has fallen so far in to self-parody that when I see one of his trailers I sometimes think it's a Saturday Night Live sketch. But it's just that guy doing a really bad impression of himself. And somehow, it works every time. They get their number one weekend box office position and all the free publicity that goes along with it. And off we go. The innocent TV viewer gets caught in the marketing crossfire. I can honestly say that I watch less TV now because of that guy and his movie trailers. I really do. I find them THAT annoying.

I think a lot of people go to the movies now just to see how the trailer ends. And the movie itself is usually just all the footage that's left over after the trailer has been shot. That's exactly how it was with Pearl Harbor. Every line delivered in the movie seemed to be auditioning for a spot in the trailer. You could almost see the actors pondering how their voice would sound along side that narrator. It was one big stoic pronouncement after another. And one quivering chin after another. That seemed to be the mission statement of the movie. We will leave no chin unquivered.

I did not go in to this movie with an open mind. I knew I was going to hate it and it delivered big time. It also turned out to be very educational experience. I thought I knew my history. I'll have to go back and reread some of what I missed. I didn't know that on December 7, 1941 the Japanese launched a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor and nearly decimated an entire squadron of supermodel nurses. And over 2000 really good looking, square jawed soldiers, sailors and marines gave their lives in defense of our nation. But then the world was saved by Ben Affleck, Alec Baldwin and their fellow grizzled, hardscrabble, slow motion walking fighter pilots. Whenever they wanted us to feel all patriotic they would cut to a shot of fighter pilots walking side by side in slow motion away from their planes. You could almost feel them poking around in your emotional fuse box.

Oh, and there was most definitely a message that we were supposed to take home with us. War is bad because it kills lots and lots of pretty people.

Half way through the movie, I found myself pulling for the Japanese. And I didn't even feel bad about it.

I've never had so much fun looking down on something. The only reason I went to this movie was so that I could get in touch with my inner snob and give him a little exercise. It's kind of hard to NOT be a snob in today's teen dominated pop culture disaster that we now live in. I used to fight my snob instinct. Not anymore. Now I let it rip. Go nuts my snobby little friend. It's tee ball in there. Enjoy.

I've read interviews with Mr. Bruckheimer and he always seems to look down on us for looking down on him. But we're right for looking down on him. I used to think snobbery was such a horrible trait. Now it's required just to get you through the day.

Here are my proposals for how we can get ourselves out of this mess. First of all, I think Jerry Bruckheimer should be given an honorary lifetime achievement Oscar. His unique contribution to the world of film is this. We were heading toward rock bottom anyway. He's just helping us find the way a little more quickly. He is the principal player in our acceleration downward and he needs to be recognized. Because the sooner we hit rock bottom, the sooner we can begin our long climb back to respectability.

And besides, the real blame lies somewhere else. It's time to start blaming the parents of children between the ages of 13 and 17. These kids have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that they have absolutely no taste. So it's time to stop giving them allowance money. The ruination of our pop culture has occurred because of too many young dumb teenagers with disposable income. It needs to stop for about five years. The government should oversee the whole thing. It would be against the law to give money to a kid between the ages of 13 and 17.

And as long as the government is now involved, why not let them expand their powers a little bit just like they always do. Regarding the making of the movie Pearl Harbor, an investigation should be launched and responsible parties held accountable. A tribunal should be held and sentences handed down. For example, if you appeared in this movie as an actor with a speaking part, you are banished to the sidelines for three years. If you were one of its stars, you're gone for five years. This will give you plenty of time to think about your crimes against humanity.

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	Oh, How I Hated This Movie I recently completed an eight-week course in screenwriting so I've been paying a lot more attention to movies these days. When I first heard that there was a movie being made about Pearl Harbor I was very excited. I was looking forward to seeing how this incredible war story would be portrayed by the modern day Hollywood that had the latest and greatest technology and special effects. This could be the perfect follow up to Saving Private Ryan. Then I heard that Pearl Harbor was being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. My heart immediately sank. Pearl Harbor was one of the most important events in American history and Hollywood went and gave the ball to Jerry Bruckheimer, the man who is almost single-handedly responsible for the dumbed down state that most movies are in today. So knowing that this was a Bruckheimer summer blockbuster that would do everything possible to get that number one ranked opening weekend, I braced myself for the continuous carpet bombing of trailer ads that were about to invade my TV. And sure enough, they showed up right on schedule in all their button pushing glory. Every one of them was narrated by that same guy who does the voice over for every movie trailer - the guy who ends the last syllable of every single word that he says with a manipulative growl. Coming this Summerrrrrrr. Pearl Harborrrrrrrrr. Decemberrrrr. Nineteen forty onnnnnne. It's designed to make us feel all tough guy inside. Unless it's a feel good movie, then he changes his delivery to mushy and they throw in a bunch of chimes to tell our spines exactly when they should tingle. He's gotten a lot worse in the last couple years and it's really starting to get ugly. He has fallen so far in to self-parody that when I see one of his trailers I sometimes think it's a Saturday Night Live sketch. But it's just that guy doing a really bad impression of himself. And somehow, it works every time. They get their number one weekend box office position and all the free publicity that goes along with it. And off we go. The innocent TV viewer gets caught in the marketing crossfire. I can honestly say that I watch less TV now because of that guy and his movie trailers. I really do. I find them THAT annoying. I think a lot of people go to the movies now just to see how the trailer ends. And the movie itself is usually just all the footage that's left over after the trailer has been shot. That's exactly how it was with Pearl Harbor. Every line delivered in the movie seemed to be auditioning for a spot in the trailer. You could almost see the actors pondering how their voice would sound along side that narrator. It was one big stoic pronouncement after another. And one quivering chin after another. That seemed to be the mission statement of the movie. We will leave no chin unquivered. I did not go in to this movie with an open mind. I knew I was going to hate it and it delivered big time. It also turned out to be very educational experience. I thought I knew my history. I'll have to go back and reread some of what I missed. I didn't know that on December 7, 1941 the Japanese launched a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor and nearly decimated an entire squadron of supermodel nurses. And over 2000 really good looking, square jawed soldiers, sailors and marines gave their lives in defense of our nation. But then the world was saved by Ben Affleck, Alec Baldwin and their fellow grizzled, hardscrabble, slow motion walking fighter pilots. Whenever they wanted us to feel all patriotic they would cut to a shot of fighter pilots walking side by side in slow motion away from their planes. You could almost feel them poking around in your emotional fuse box. Oh, and there was most definitely a message that we were supposed to take home with us. War is bad because it kills lots and lots of pretty people. Half way through the movie, I found myself pulling for the Japanese. And I didn't even feel bad about it. I've never had so much fun looking down on something. The only reason I went to this movie was so that I could get in touch with my inner snob and give him a little exercise. It's kind of hard to NOT be a snob in today's teen dominated pop culture disaster that we now live in. I used to fight my snob instinct. Not anymore. Now I let it rip. Go nuts my snobby little friend. It's tee ball in there. Enjoy. I've read interviews with Mr. Bruckheimer and he always seems to look down on us for looking down on him. But we're right for looking down on him. I used to think snobbery was such a horrible trait. Now it's required just to get you through the day. Here are my proposals for how we can get ourselves out of this mess. First of all, I think Jerry Bruckheimer should be given an honorary lifetime achievement Oscar. His unique contribution to the world of film is this. We were heading toward rock bottom anyway. He's just helping us find the way a little more quickly. He is the principal player in our acceleration downward and he needs to be recognized. Because the sooner we hit rock bottom, the sooner we can begin our long climb back to respectability. And besides, the real blame lies somewhere else. It's time to start blaming the parents of children between the ages of 13 and 17. These kids have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that they have absolutely no taste. So it's time to stop giving them allowance money. The ruination of our pop culture has occurred because of too many young dumb teenagers with disposable income. It needs to stop for about five years. The government should oversee the whole thing. It would be against the law to give money to a kid between the ages of 13 and 17. And as long as the government is now involved, why not let them expand their powers a little bit just like they always do. Regarding the making of the movie Pearl Harbor, an investigation should be launched and responsible parties held accountable. A tribunal should be held and sentences handed down. For example, if you appeared in this movie as an actor with a speaking part, you are banished to the sidelines for three years. If you were one of its stars, you're gone for five years. This will give you plenty of time to think about your crimes against humanity. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers