Tom's First Late Night with David Letterman

First Appearance on David Letterman

About ten days ago, I appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's something I've always wanted to do and I still can't believe it happened. Every guest is allotted four tickets in the studio audience and six slots in the green room. I grew up in a large family from the Philadelphia area. So I had a lot of family members that drove up for the taping. On the day of the taping I got picked up at the hotel in a nice Lincoln Town Car and was driven the four blocks down Broadway to the Ed Sullivan Theater. I got out of the car, checked through security and on the left was the green room. The first thing I saw in the green room was two of my sisters, Mary and Patrice, and they were standing next to Biff Henderson. I knew right then and there that I had entered some kind of a strange alternate Universe. If you watch the show at all you know who Biff Henderson is. My two managers, Colleen McGarr and Duncan Strauss along with one of my nieces and a Brother in Law were also there. It was a collision of different worlds. It was the world of TV colliding with the world of my comedy career colliding with the world of my family. Over the next two hours, things were going to get even more surreal.

As soon as I got there, Eddie Brill, the Comedy Segment Producer for the show, took me up to my dressing room on the fifth floor. Eddie Brill is a Standup Comedian who does the audience warm up and is also in charge of booking Standups who appear on the show. That's how this whole thing got started. Earlier this year, I had made another in a series of six-minute audition tapes down at the Irvine, CA Improv. My manager, Colleen McGarr, had asked me to put one together just so she would have an updated tape to send in to some of the different TV shows. But it was the Letterman show that we had in mind when putting the tape together.

Colleen was able to get the tape into Eddie Brill. He watched the tape and word came back about a month or so later that he liked most of it. This was great news. There were a few jokes on the tape that he didn't think were right for the show and there was one bit that was way too long but he liked about five of the six minutes. I was glad that I had sent in a six minute tape. Because even after nixing a few of the jokes, I still had about five minutes that he had said that he liked. Based on the feedback, I put together a new five minute tape (again at the Irvine Improv) and sent it in.

Some more time passed. At this point whenever Colleen would call I was always hoping that it was news about Letterman. No other comedy related information really seemed to matter. And word came again. "The set was almost there." A few more adjustments were needed. The baking soda bit was still too long. But it's almost there. I felt like I was getting close. Eddie wanted to see me live to get a better feel for the set. He was scheduled to be out in Los Angeles for the Emmy Awards and he put me on a live showcase at the Hollywood Improv on September 12th. He was to fly out of New York on the morning of September 11th. We all know what happened on September 11th and obviously, the showcase got cancelled.

Finally, on October 25th I did five minutes at the Hollywood Improv in front of Eddie Brill. I went on real late but it went very well and after the show he told me that he was going to put me on the show. It was probably the best news I've ever heard in my life. I had a feeling that I was getting close to getting the show but when I heard him say it, I couldn't believe it. This is the show that I've always wanted to do. For the next few days I had a lot of fun absorbing the news and telling friends and family members that I was going to be appearing on the Letterman Show. There was not yet a date set but Eddie told me that I would probably be on sometime in early 2002. That would give me plenty of time to get ready.

Then in mid-November I got a call from Colleen telling me that a slot had opened and I was going to be taping on December 20th. Now it was starting to sink in.

A couple days before I went to New York I did a spot at the Irvine Improv and two spots at the Comedy and Magic Club in Hermosa Beach just to run through my five minute set a few more times. It was coming in at about 4 minutes 50 seconds, which was just about right.

I flew in to New York a few days early and got in touch with Eddie Brill. I was going to be taping on the Thursday so he arranged for me to go to a taping of the show on Tuesday afternoon. I got there early and before the show he took me out onto the stage to show me where I would be standing so that I could familiarize myself with the surroundings. I was only there for about a minute but it felt pretty cool to stand out there on the set of the Letterman Show and look out into the empty seats knowing that I was going to be there in another two days. I could picture myself doing the five minutes and just focusing on the studio audience. I was starting to feel a little less intimidated. I also got to meet two of the three guests on that days show, Kevin Spacey and Jerome Bettis (from the Pittsburgh Steelers).

On Tuesday and Wednesday nights Eddie scheduled some spots for me at Stand Up New York, The Comic Strip and Gotham Comedy Club. After each set we would jump in a cab and go to the next club. Eddie sat there with a stop watch and a note pad and watched each performance. After the first run through it was running about 20 to 30 seconds long (he wanted it to come in around four minutes and thirty seconds). So we jumped in a cab and while heading to the next club discussed what joke needed to be dropped. He also had some suggestions for fine tuning some of the wording and a tag or two that could be dropped. And since a joke had been cut, that now meant that a segue would need to be rewritten. We tinkered with it on the cab ride over and by the time we got to the next club, it was pretty much set. On Tuesday night I got to go over the revisions and had them locked into memory for Wednesday.

Eddie has done the Letterman Show seven times so he has a good feel as to how a studio audience will react to certain lines. And the point that he emphasized more than once was that on TV every word counts. Some of my bits had some extraneous wording that could easily be trimmed. On most of the suggestions I ageed with him. On another one I felt that I should keep the wording as it is. It was an interesting process.

I was a little worried about my opening line. I had this nagging feeling that I just wasn't getting to the first laugh quickly enough. And he noticed that there was some extra wording in the setup to the opening joke. He suggested dropping the extra wording. I agreed that the extra phrase could be dropped and the joke would still work.

Here's the opening joke: "I was on my computer today and I got one of those junk e-mails telling me I could make a whole lot of money. It said, 'people just like you are making hundreds of thousands of dollars in their spare time.' Ya know what? If I was making a hundred thousand dollars in my spare time… I would go full time."

He suggested that I didn't need the phrase "telling me I could make a whole lot of money". I should just say I got a junk email and it said "people just like you are making hundreds of thousands of dollars in their spare time." I agreed with him. It seemed like the meaning wouldn't change. But the two times I tried the newly edited version in the clubs, the punch line didn't work as well. We talked about this joke at length. On the final run-through, at Standup New York, I lobbied to return to the original wording and the joke worked again. I think I was just comfortable with the rhythm of the setup and it felt too late to be making a change to the opening line. Eddie agreed. It was more important to feel confident about the line. If it was a little bit longer, so be it.

The crowd at Standup New York on the final run-through on Wednesday night was a particularly good one and I felt confident heading back to the hotel that night. Tomorrow was the big day and the set was now in its final polished state. It was coming in right around 4 minutes and 30 seconds.

I slept pretty well that night and woke up early the next morning. I still couldn't believe that the day had arrived. I was happy that I was able to sleep at all. Every nerve in my body was geared up for the taping. I knew that it would be the most important five minutes of my comedy career thus far. But I did my best to not dwell on it. I went for a long walk around Manhattan in the afternoon, had a very light lunch and then went back to my room and ran through the set a few times in the mirror. It's been years since I've done any material into the mirror. But this was a biggie so I didn't mind going back to basics. I paid particular attention to the opening line and kept trying to picture it getting a solid laugh.

At six o'clock the Lincoln Town Car came to the hotel to pick me up. I went to the Theater, said hello to my family members and managers in the green room and then Eddie Brill came by and took me up to my dressing room on the 5th floor. He gave me a quick pep talk, told me that he had all the confidence in the set and told me, like he had told me earlier in the week, to just enjoy the moment when I'm out there. I tried to cling to that advice. Over the next forty minutes or so I paced back and forth in my dressing room and out into the hallway. I probably put in a couple of miles of pacing. But I was feeling good at this point. I was nervous but felt good.

The TV monitor in my dressing room was tuned to channel 41. Channel 41 is the live feed from the studio. The screen was blank and then I heard the band go into that familiar Letterman theme song. And the announcer said, "on Tonight's Show Peter Jennings and Comedian Tom Ryan." I've watched this show hundreds and hundreds of times over the years. Every single time when the guests were announced, they were names other than my own. Hearing my name in the opening credits gave me a nice charge. I had never heard my own name THAT out of context before. It kicked my nerves up another notch too. They got turned up even higher a few minutes later when Dave was done the monologue and was now sitting over at the desk talking to Paul Shaeffer and saying, "we have a great show tonight. Peter Jennings and Comedian Tom Ryan." Wow. That was pretty cool. David Letterman just said my name. Maybe there was still a little part of my brain that still didn't believe I was going to be on the show. When he said my name, it erased all doubt.

At this point someone from the show came by and got me to sign some paperwork and then she took me down the fourth floor to get some makeup. While in makeup I was talking to the makeup artist and trying to act as though this was just another day. I also had one ear tuned to the show in progress. Peter Jennings was on. A few weeks earlier when I heard that he was on the show I could not have been happier. I have been a fan of all the network news broadcasts since I was a kid. I tend to watch NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw more than the other two but I do switch back and forth and try to catch snippets of all of them. But my parents, who were in the studio audience that night, are big time Peter Jennings watchers. So when I called them and told them that I would be on the show with Peter Jennings, they were thrilled.

I'm listening to the show and they're talking about the Middle East of course and Dave asks him about what's going to happen between India and Pakistan? Peter Jennings says, "I think sometimes India and Pakistan can hardly wait to attack each other. They both have nuclear weapons." This led to a further discussion of nuclear weapons.

I later found out that my family members down in the green room were a little concerned that they were talking about the possibility of nuclear war and that I then had to go out and get laughs talking about Morton Salt and Arm and Hammer baking soda. But my feeling was, if ever there was a crowd that was ready for some good laughs, this was it. Peter Jennings was an intelligent and engaging guest and the audience was totally focused.

I got done with makeup during the second segment and got led down to the backstage area. As I walked by the green room I saw my sister Mary. She was pacing. I leaned in and said, "no nerves, don't worry it's gonna be fine." I was saying it to myself as much as I was saying it to them. I felt lucky that at least I could control the situation at hand. On the other hand, they had to live or die vicariously through me and there was nothing they could do about it. I could tell by the look on my sister's face that she was about as nervous as I was.

My mind was racing and there was so much activity going on that I didn't even have time to grasp what was happening. I get led past the green room and out into the little wing that's at stage right. Biff Henderson and another guy with headphones on tell me where to stand and say a few things that I can't remember but they definitely made me feel a little more at ease. The band was playing. And I look out onto the stage and there was David Letterman leaning casually onto his chair and talking to a guy out on the stage. This was the first time I had ever seen him in person. He'd always been on TV before. It was kind of cool to see him with his back to me standing out there. I remember looking out at him and thinking something along the lines of how he just seemed like a regular guy. And the thought also struck me that he was just a fellow comedian who happens to be doing really well. I felt extremely nervous but ready to go. The band was still playing and then Letterman turned around and was looking right over into the area where I was standing. To him this was a very non-adrenaline filled moment. He was probably just fulfilling some idle curiosity as to what the next guest looks like. His work day was pretty much over. All he had to do was introduce me and that was about it. There's a real good chance that he wasn't thinking about the fact that this was the biggest moment of my life thus far. It's kind of odd to be able to isolate the biggest moment of your life thus far. But I've tried to think of other times when five minutes meant so much and wasn't able to do it. So arguably, this was it. Luckily I wasn't thinking that when I was in the wings - not consciously anyway. So there he was, David Letterman, and he was looking over at me. It kind of loosened me up a little bit. The next thing I know, the band is winding down, he's sitting down at the desk and the studio audience starts applauding. We're back.

In the week leading up to the taping I spoke to a few different comics who had already done the show (Todd Barry, Daniel Tosh, Eddie Brill, Brian Regan and Dennis Regan) about what to expect when the moment came. They all had odd little snippets of advice along the lines of "don't be thrown off by this" and "don't be thrown off by that." Dennis Regan, who had appeared on the show a week earlier told me to not be surprised by the fact that when you're in the wings, you might not be able to hear Dave when he's introducing you. He also told me to not be thrown for a loop when you see the monitor with a close up of yourself a mere ten feet away. Eddie Brill told me to not play to the camera but to basically play to the cameraman. I was loaded up with these little pieces of advice and I could see that Dave was saying something to Paul. And then I could barely hear him say the phrase "our next guest." There was one big final pounding of the heart. He then said something that got a laugh from the studio audience. I couldn't hear what it was (Dennis Regan was right). I later found out that he said, "our next guest, this is his first appearance on our show, his very first time, and boy, that's something he'll be able to put in his scrapbook". He went on to say that, "he'll be appearing at the Comedy Works in Denver from December 26th through the 30th." And then he said, "Please welcome, Tom Ryan."

This is when my life became something resembling a slow motion tornado.

I took a final deep breath and began walking out to "the spot." So many thoughts started running through my head. I heard the band begin to play. I walked right by them but I didn't look over at them. And as I'm walking out I can hear that they're playing one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs, Jokerman. "Jokerman." I had requested this song a few days earlier and now they're playing it. "Where's the spot?" "There it is." "The band is winding down." "There's the cameraman." "There's the monitor. Don't look at the monitor." "Say thank you. "Say it is really great to be here." "Look at all those people. The last time I saw this it was empty." "I'm a little nervous but I'm gonna be okay." "Say the opening line." "And try to relax." The auto pilot kicked in on the opening line. I was on my computer today… "make sure you get the wording exactly right"… and I got one of those junk emails telling me I could make a whole lot of money… "I'm glad I included that extra phrase." It said, 'people just like you are making hundreds of thousands of dollars in their spare time.' "Cool. A tiny little laugh there and we're still only on the setup." Ya know what? If I was making a hundred thousand dollars in my spare time? "Pause." "Now lean into it a little just like you did in the mirror." "Hold the pause and give a little facial expression." I - would - go - full - time. "Yes! A laugh. It's getting a laugh. A good laugh. And the laugh is now turning into an applause break. Whew. I'm over the hump."

I got the first laugh and it felt great. I instantaneously felt a sense of calm come over me. All of my senses were still in a totally heightened state but I felt comfortable and was thinking that if that line got a good laugh, the rest of the set should work as well. And I was feeling good. I navigated my way through the rest of the material. I remembered the exact wording of the new segue between the first and second jokes. And the second bit got the laughs where it should and now I was going into two of the bits that I had most faith in. I've been doing two back to back bits about Morton Salt and Arm and Hammer baking soda for many years now. I knew these bits inside out and upside down. The hard part was definitely over.

I remember being almost surprised about how comfortable I was feeling. I wished that I was just a little looser, but I was doing well. In fact, I was even starting to enjoy myself a little.

I got laughs where the laughs were supposed to be and I tried to enjoy every single one. This is exactly how all of this material was always supposed to work. I've done some of these lines hundreds of times. I got a good helping of applause breaks too. I came in too early with one line when the audience was still applauding and probably stepped on a laugh. But it wasn't a major laugh that I had lost. And I didn't flub any lines either. I wrapped up my final line and said thank you, the audience applauded and the band kicked in to Jokerman again.

What a relief that it was over and it went well. I was feeling great. And oh, that's right, here comes Dave. I have never met David Letterman in my life and now I'm about to meet him while the cameras are rolling. He shook my hand and said nice job or something to that effect. I wasn't sure at this point if I should shake his hand and look at him or shake his hand and look at the camera. So I shook his hand and looked into the camera.

I heard him say my name and the audience applauding and then while he was still shaking my hand he said, "Come on over."

He walked over to the desk and I followed him. The cameras were off by now and about five people with head phones and clip boards surrounded the desk. And Eddie Brill came over and said congratulations and that I did a good job and asked me how it felt. And Barbara Gaines, Dave's Assistant, leaned in and said, "good job, it was very funny." Another guy came over to me and started fitting me with a lapel microphone and Eddie said that we needed to fill a little bit more time. We were going to do a little bit of couch time. Wow. This was completely unexpected. Dave leaned over and said, "nice job Tom, where you from?" I told him I was from the Philadelphia area and thanks for having me on the show. He seemed very at ease just sitting there talking to some of the crew and then asking me and Eddie simultaneously what we were going to talk about. I had submitted some possible panel discussion topics a few days earlier. Of the topics that I had submitted I said that I'd prefer to talk some more about Morton Salt. Okay, salt it is. We needed to fill about 30 seconds. A camera moves in front of the desk about seven feet away and I didn't even have time to get nervous or think about that fact that I was about to do a little bit of question and answer with David Letterman. I was feeling pretty relaxed and still thinking about the standup that I had just done.

The audience applauded and I look to my left and I know the cameras are rolling and he says, "Nice job Tom." And I said, "thanks Dave." And he says "ya got anything else about salt?" I didn't know exactly what I was going to say to follow up on what I had said earlier about Morton Salt but I kind of knew where I was going with it. There was a little bit of back and forth and I got a few little laughs out of him. And there was one more line that I had which I had written recently that never gets a big laugh in the clubs but I thought it would be the kind of line that he would like. I said that sometimes people call me up and ask me what kind of salt they should buy and I said, "well you might pay a little more… but I'd go with the Morton." It got a good laugh out of him and the audience applauded and he said, "we'll be right back." The cameras shut down and now I got to sit there through another commercial break and wait until the final ten seconds of the show where he says "goodnight everybody." A bunch of people surrounded the desk area again. And I just remember thinking that it was so cool to just be out there. And that it was over and that it had gone very well. And I was looking for my parents in the studio audience and I was talking to Eddie Brill about how it went. Everybody left the desk area and the camera went on again. And now I didn't have to do anything. I could just sit back and enjoy it. And I did. The audience applauded, the camera light went on. Dave said, "I'd like to thank my guests Peter Jennings and Tom Ryan. Goodnight everybody." The audience applauded, the band kicked in again and that was it. He reached over shook my hand and said, "thanks a lot Tom - nice job." He stood up took off his jacket, walked over to stage right, said goodnight to the studio audience and thanked them for coming out and then he was gone. I sat there for an extra minute and tried to comprehend the whole thing.

I went back to the green room and everyone there seemed to be very happy with how it went. The family members that had been out in the studio audience joined up with everyone in the green room and we all compared notes as to how it went and how people had perceived everything. Afterwards we all went out to dinner and had a great time.

The second taping on Thursday, the show that I was on, aired the next night. By then I had flown in to Sarasota to work a previously scheduled gig at McCurdy's Comedy Club. The owner of the club, Les McCurdy, had set up a TV on the side of the room. I was literally getting done with my 45 minute set on the second show and he flipped on the TV just as I was getting introduced. The audience of about 125 people pivoted in their seats to face the TV. I stayed on the stage and we all watched. I was very happy with how it looked on TV. During the two commercial breaks the audience asked me questions about how I got on the show and what is was like. It was pretty bizarre. And it was obvious at that point that I was still living in that strange alternate Universe that I had entered the previous day.

I was on Cloud 9 for about another three days and still haven't fully come down from the entire experience.

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