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Why
Is Travel Writing So Bad? I am going slightly off topic once again this month, with full permission from the Editors. ° ° ° ° ° Every now and then I toy with the idea of trying to broaden my style when it comes to standup comedy. Most of my material doesn't require that I really get into a character of any kind. But I can do characters and voices and people tell me that I should do them more on stage. I've had this long bit that I've been playing around with for a few years. This has been sitting in my notes for quite some time but I've never taken the time to sit down and memorize it and try it out with a full-blown commitment. Whenever I fly I always read the travel articles in the airline magazines. This is my over the top version of really bad travel writing that someday I want to deliver on stage in a mock enthusiastic travel reporter voice. Tired of the rat race? Then why not treat yourself to a romantic sundrenched getaway on the beautiful island of Tupilocka. Nestled at the Southern tip of the Caribbean, the island boasts 4000 thousand miles of pristine, sugar colored, dazzling beaches. So kick off those shoes and sink your toes into the sandy haven of Calico Dunes. Watch those 9 to 5 blues sink slowly into the sparkling waters of the turquoise sea. Throw your watch away and take a lazy mid-afternoon nap under the fruited canopy of the native pong pong tree. Legend has it that a light kiss on the trunk of the pong pong will bring good luck for years to come. So pucker up, make a wish and kiss those worries away. Feeling refreshed? Then why not pack a lunch and head on out to Snugglers Cove. Transportation is no problem. For a quarter you can flag down a native villager who will give you a piggyback ride anywhere on the island. For a dollar - he's yours for the day. Landlubbers beware! If it's underwater adventure that you crave, look no further. The islands have some of the world's most beautiful coral reefs as well as the hemisphere's only triangular crystal cave. The shallow waters are teeming with abundant sea life. But if it's big game that you're after, then head on down to Big Cypress Gallows Wildlife Preserve. If you're lucky you'll get a glimpse of the endangered 2-tailed flatback liver possum. And no visit would be complete without seeing the breathtaking vistas that overlook jackapple canyon. Before you begin the hunt, wander on over to mystic point lagoon and gaze upon those sprawling haciendas that overlook the planes. You'll marvel at the flocks of wild egrets as they run ramshackle through the dense glades. More treasures await you along the northern shore. Take in the unspoiled nooks of paddywhack cavern. Head a few blocks inland along piney bottoms and mingle with the locals as they sell their wares in the open-air market. You'll shop 'til you drop as you meander along world famous duty free row. It's best known for it's quaint, cobble stone, tree lined streets. Each boutique is overflowing with a treasure cove of bountiful delights. Hand carved multi-colored artifacts, trinkets, knickknacks and handicrafts will startle the eye. They perfectly capture the island's rich cultural heritage. And if you're one of the fortunate few to be there in early April during the sunset festival, local custom requires that you throw chunks of broken coral at the setting sun in order to quell the fiery passions of the multi-headed fertility gods. Hungry? There's something for everyone down on restaurant plaza in the heart of Pelican Gulch. Ya might wanna start things off at One-eyed Jacks Crab leg emporium. Every delectable item caters to the cheese lover in all of us. Their seafood nachos are topped with 7 kinds of cheeses including Monterey Jack and Colby. So kick back, relax and unwind as the waterfalls gently cascade over the hand made tiki bar. Why not order a frosty mug of coconut crab ale? Each beer is topped off with a live blue scale hermit crab. Hey, what's the hurry? Why not belly up to the bar for another cold one while you feast your eyes on the bountiful spread. Nosh on some tasty morsels of unbounded juicy delight. The appetizers alone are fit for a king. For the more free spirited among you, why not leave the tourists behind and congregate with the locals at Joe's Rusty Bucket Saloon. Straight up the mountain, it's only 30 minutes away by piggyback. If you get lucky, Joe himself will be tending bar. You'll soon find yourself back in time as Joe and friends swap salty tales of drunken escapades out on the open sea. Before you know it, you'll swear your back in the time of beer joints, smugglers, bootleggers, pirates, poachers and outlaw bands of marauding rumrunners. The experience is definitely not for the faint of heart. If you stay late enough, why not ask Joe for one of his Conch shells. Hold it up to your ear and listen closely. You just might hear the drunken cry of the greedy old seafarer who went down with the ship that was loaded to the gills with pilfered gold bullion. And forget about the menu. At the Rusty Bucket all ya have to do is ask old Sally Sue to whip up whatever your heart desires (well, as long as you don't mind that it's fresh from the sea). For those of you with discriminating taste buds, we recommend the lobster and pelican seaweed stew. Just add some fresh pineapple and steady your palette for an explosion of fruity delights. If you like raw oysters, get on back there and shuck 'em yourself. Having fun yet? You bet you are. As day melts into night, you might think that things start to slow down. Think again. This ain't no sleepy town. Once the sun goes down the nightlife starts to sizzle. Hurry on over to the Pink Flamingo Lounge and dance the night away. Join the other night owls and move your feet to the pulsating rhythms of the legendary Barnacle Bill's Calamari Calypso Band. And just see if you can keep up during the shuckfest limbo. Still haven't had enough? Then why not try your hand at Lady Luck. The Four Kings casino is open 24 hours and it's aces among locals and tourist alike. Throw caution to the wind, saunter over to the blackjack table and let it ride. Well well well my
little sleepy traveller. It looks like you've finally had enough. Go
get some shuteye. Tomorrow is going to be another fun filled sunsational
day. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY!
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