The Big Move to Los Angeles

The Big Move to Los Angeles

Yes. I made it. The Big Move is over. I've been living in Los Angeles now for about a day and a half. I'm staying at fellow comedian Jimmy Shubert's place. My entire world has been reduced to a couch and a coffee table. I live on the couch and the coffee table is my office. There are two other comedians temporarily staying here too. Jimmy Shubert's on the road for a few days. I haven't even thought about comedy in about a week. Right now my priorities are to buy a car and find an apartment. But I'm very happy to be here.

Here's a recap of all the details of the actual Big Move. I'll spew it out below in Dear Diary/Journal entry type format.

The Final Exit

· I kept putting off the actual packing of all my stuff. But the approaching deadline really kicked things into high gear. I had to go through everything. I got it all reduced down to 20 boxes. I gave all my furniture away. I wasn't being generous. I just don't think I could've gotten much for it anyway and it was much easier to get rid of at the ultimate rock bottom price.
· I hate being in Limbo.
· Everyone always underestimates how much stuff they have.
· It's hard letting go. As I was packing, I sometimes found myself standing there pondering - "well, ya know, I'm gonna need some ketchup in LA. And soy sauce too. Maybe I should keep all these little packets. No! Let it go!"
· Pen caps, paperclips and pennies all over the place.
· My guilt about throwing away anything plastic really slows things down. I had already made my final trip to the recycling center. I worry way too much about the ozone. Let it go!
· God Bless Goodwill. What would we do with all that stuff if it wasn't for Goodwill?
· A very productive day today. And then Bell South got into it. All I wanted to do was change my phone number over to a voice mail only. I did not want to disconnect my number. I need to keep it for a while in order to stay connected to the world. Bell South couldn't quite grasp the concept. They kept putting me on hold. I've never heard so much Classical music. After a while it became almost insulting. It was this real high brow Victorian sounding stuff. It's such a smoke screen. They're trying to convince themselves that we live in a fantasy world of powdered wigs, tea parlors and gold plated phones. I finally told one of the women who put me on hold that I'd heard the entire symphony five times and that the third violin was out of tune. She thought that was pretty funny. I like Classical music but this was really starting to get on my nerves.
· Packing is ten times more involved than I ever thought it would be. And yet, this surprises me every single time I move.
· This whole thing is one big logistical leapfrog out to LA.
· God Bless boxes.
· Hear me loud and clear on this one. I am yelling through a bullhorn. When it comes time for you to move, allow at least three times as much time as you think it will take. I hope you can hear me.
· I am in total purge mode right now. "Is that a priceless Picasso original that I accidentally picked up at a yard sale ten years ago? Yes it is. But it won't fit in the box. Let it go!"

The Getaway Car

· Okay, now here comes the weird part. I've been without a car for a few years. I rented cars when I needed them and flew most places when I worked on the road. And I lived in the downtown area of West Palm Beach so almost everything I needed was within walking distance. So my plan was to buy a new car in FL and drive to California. I was all set to get my new car but because of a slightly shaky credit history my financing was unworkable. At that point, I could have just shipped all my possessions out to LA and flown out, but by now, I had my heart set on a cross country drive. And believe it or not, I really wanted to see that stretch of Texas between San Antonio and El Paso that everyone always talks about. They always say, "there's nothing there." Well I wanted to see what they meant. I wanted to see exactly how much of nothing all that nothing was. It's our version of the Australian outback.
· So, Plan B, I decided to do one of those drive away deals. In other words, there are agencies that hook up people like myself who need to get to California with someone who needs to have their car driven out to California. Every now and then in this life it seems as though God pulls out his Rubik's Cube and says, "hey, watch this." The car that they hooked me up with was… drum roll… a brand new Mercedes Benz E-430. Yeee haaa!
· I picked up the car, signed some paperwork and began my journey. It took me about ten minutes to figure out how to set the trip meter to zero. Not to worry. Mercedes Benz choppered in a team of German engineers to explain it all to me. Pretty good service plan.

6/3/00
Day One

· I did about 850 miles today with not much effort and made it well into Louisiana. I've already seen that stretch of the country a bunch of times so I didn't really pull over too much. I had three more full days to get the car there and now I would only have to average about 550 miles per day. Because it was the second half of the trip (Houston to Los Angeles) that would be mostly new to me. Oh, and what a car.
· Coffee management is crucial. You don't want to peak too early.
· In Mississippi, two very beautiful girls in their early twenties came up to me at a convenience store and told me how much they liked my car. I probably shouldn't have told them that it wasn't my car - me and my stupid policy of full disclosure.
· My God, this country is mostly rural.
· It could have been my imagination but there were times when it seemed as though people were looking at me driving that car and kind of dissing me for being some kind of a sell out rich guy. It starts playing with your head. I already had my comebacks planned. "Hey, don't judge me. I made all my money in comedy. And I did it through hard work."
· At one point I was going west on I-10 and I look over at a guy in a Lexus and gave him one of those sarcastic, condescending disses (Pffff. Nice car). It might be a while before I ever get to do that again.

6/4/00
Day 2

· Leaving a hotel room is like a mini-move. There is the same type of anxiety on a much smaller scale.
· I hit a traffic jam right outside of Houston. There must be a lot of comedians moving out to California this week.
· I make it past San Antonio and now I'm into the desert part of Texas. On that part of the map there is not much writing and now it's easy to see why. But it's beautiful. Just minimalist shrubbery and rolling hills and tiny little semi-mountains. And this will go on for 500 miles before I get to El Paso. And then it will start up again.
· I get off the Interstate for a break and go down a side road and get out of the car. It is unbelievably quiet. And I haven't seen the stars this bright and clear in many years.
· Spent an hour listening to a guy on a radio station out of Waxahatchee, Texas. He is very busy preparing for a time when the United Nations steps in and finally establishes their one world government. He kept talking about all the military vehicles with UN printed on the side that had been "offloaded" in Texas and then driven west on I-10. I didn't see any the whole time. "They have already taken over the water systems of America." I had no idea.

6/5/00
Day 3

· I call to check messages on my voice mail but the number I have reached has been (boo doo doop) disconnected. Oh no. Say it ain't so. I smell a Bell South bureaucratic nightmare on the horizon. Now I'm on a pay phone in the middle of the beautiful Texas outback listening to Vivaldi. They completely bungled the transition. Please hold.
· At mile marker 307 I hit a moth. It was brutal. I did everything I could but he came out of nowhere. You don't even want to know the details. I felt real bad.
· Deep down I know this is the right move for my career. But at times I wonder why I'm doing all of this. The whole thing seems kind of silly.
· Make it into New Mexico. I have come to the following conclusions. Texas has the worst pay phones. And New Mexico has the best lightning. It comes out of the sky and then splits in about 9 different directions. They probably don't get it that much but when they do, it puts on quite a show.
· I saw my first ever tumbleweed. I was out of my car at the time, pulled over on the side of the road trying to capture some lightning on my new video camera that has a night vision setting. I think I got some good shots. And then, there it was - this big old bumbling tumbleweed determined to make it safely across I-10. It went bouncing along right in front of me and then landed up against a barbed wire fence. This thing was huge. And it had personality. I went over and picked it up and tossed it around a little bit. Very exciting stuff.
· More calls to Bell South. I can never get the same person on the phone. So I keep using my line about the third violin being out of tune. It gets a laugh every time. I hate flutes.
· I stayed the night at the Days Inn in Willcox, Arizona and signed on the Internet to check e-mails. I was only signed on for about 40 minutes and at one point got knocked offline (probably by a tumbleweed). Willcox is about 50 miles from Tucson and it's a long distance call to get online. In the morning I got the bill - $31.00 for two calls. And then I got the whole "I'm sorry sir" speech from the front desk. I will never stay at a Days Inn again. What a scam.

6/6/00
Day 4

· My God, this whole country is desert.
· Still more of the Bell South nightmare. I think maybe the United Nations is tapping my line as we speak.
· Best song to listen to when driving through a desert - Pancho and Lefty by Townes Van Zandt.
· When I got into Arizona I really wanted to see was one of those "raise your right hand and repeat after me" cactus plants. I had heard that they were endangered and was afraid that I wasn't going to see one. Then, all of a sudden, hundreds of them. Wow. Every one of them had attitude.
· Ya ever get mad at the sun? I hate when it gets low in the sky and you're driving straight west and right into it. There's nothing you can do about it. There's no one to complain to.
· California agricultural check point. I'm almost there. But first… more desert.
· Everybody says that this country is way too crowded. It's not. We have room for about two billion more. Bring your own water but by all means, come on in.
· Finally got the Bell South voice mail thing straightened out. It took talking to 10 different people from 15 different pay phones in 8 different states.

The Arrival

· Up over the hill and… boom. There it is. Los Angeles, California. How strange to be here in this totally different world. I've visited here a lot of times but now I live here. I can't believe it.
· I'm so glad I decided to drive instead of fly. I highly recommend it. It gave me the opportunity to really think about what I want to do with my life and my comedy career. For now though, my plan for the next few days is to get up early and get stuff done - work on my own personal infrastructure (car, apartment, cell phone, furniture etc.) It's the second half of the Big Move. I'm already moved out. Now it's time to move in.

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	The Big Move to Los Angeles Yes. I made it. The Big Move is over. I've been living in Los Angeles now for about a day and a half. I'm staying at fellow comedian Jimmy Shubert's place. My entire world has been reduced to a couch and a coffee table. I live on the couch and the coffee table is my office. There are two other comedians temporarily staying here too. Jimmy Shubert's on the road for a few days. I haven't even thought about comedy in about a week. Right now my priorities are to buy a car and find an apartment. But I'm very happy to be here. Here's a recap of all the details of the actual Big Move. I'll spew it out below in Dear Diary/Journal entry type format. The Final Exit · I kept putting off the actual packing of all my stuff. But the approaching deadline really kicked things into high gear. I had to go through everything. I got it all reduced down to 20 boxes. I gave all my furniture away. I wasn't being generous. I just don't think I could've gotten much for it anyway and it was much easier to get rid of at the ultimate rock bottom price. · I hate being in Limbo. · Everyone always underestimates how much stuff they have. · It's hard letting go. As I was packing, I sometimes found myself standing there pondering - "well, ya know, I'm gonna need some ketchup in LA. And soy sauce too. Maybe I should keep all these little packets. No! Let it go!" · Pen caps, paperclips and pennies all over the place. · My guilt about throwing away anything plastic really slows things down. I had already made my final trip to the recycling center. I worry way too much about the ozone. Let it go! · God Bless Goodwill. What would we do with all that stuff if it wasn't for Goodwill? · A very productive day today. And then Bell South got into it. All I wanted to do was change my phone number over to a voice mail only. I did not want to disconnect my number. I need to keep it for a while in order to stay connected to the world. Bell South couldn't quite grasp the concept. They kept putting me on hold. I've never heard so much Classical music. After a while it became almost insulting. It was this real high brow Victorian sounding stuff. It's such a smoke screen. They're trying to convince themselves that we live in a fantasy world of powdered wigs, tea parlors and gold plated phones. I finally told one of the women who put me on hold that I'd heard the entire symphony five times and that the third violin was out of tune. She thought that was pretty funny. I like Classical music but this was really starting to get on my nerves. · Packing is ten times more involved than I ever thought it would be. And yet, this surprises me every single time I move. · This whole thing is one big logistical leapfrog out to LA. · God Bless boxes. · Hear me loud and clear on this one. I am yelling through a bullhorn. When it comes time for you to move, allow at least three times as much time as you think it will take. I hope you can hear me. · I am in total purge mode right now. "Is that a priceless Picasso original that I accidentally picked up at a yard sale ten years ago? Yes it is. But it won't fit in the box. Let it go!" The Getaway Car · Okay, now here comes the weird part. I've been without a car for a few years. I rented cars when I needed them and flew most places when I worked on the road. And I lived in the downtown area of West Palm Beach so almost everything I needed was within walking distance. So my plan was to buy a new car in FL and drive to California. I was all set to get my new car but because of a slightly shaky credit history my financing was unworkable. At that point, I could have just shipped all my possessions out to LA and flown out, but by now, I had my heart set on a cross country drive. And believe it or not, I really wanted to see that stretch of Texas between San Antonio and El Paso that everyone always talks about. They always say, "there's nothing there." Well I wanted to see what they meant. I wanted to see exactly how much of nothing all that nothing was. It's our version of the Australian outback. · So, Plan B, I decided to do one of those drive away deals. In other words, there are agencies that hook up people like myself who need to get to California with someone who needs to have their car driven out to California. Every now and then in this life it seems as though God pulls out his Rubik's Cube and says, "hey, watch this." The car that they hooked me up with was… drum roll… a brand new Mercedes Benz E-430. Yeee haaa! · I picked up the car, signed some paperwork and began my journey. It took me about ten minutes to figure out how to set the trip meter to zero. Not to worry. Mercedes Benz choppered in a team of German engineers to explain it all to me. Pretty good service plan. 6/3/00 Day One · I did about 850 miles today with not much effort and made it well into Louisiana. I've already seen that stretch of the country a bunch of times so I didn't really pull over too much. I had three more full days to get the car there and now I would only have to average about 550 miles per day. Because it was the second half of the trip (Houston to Los Angeles) that would be mostly new to me. Oh, and what a car. · Coffee management is crucial. You don't want to peak too early. · In Mississippi, two very beautiful girls in their early twenties came up to me at a convenience store and told me how much they liked my car. I probably shouldn't have told them that it wasn't my car - me and my stupid policy of full disclosure. · My God, this country is mostly rural. · It could have been my imagination but there were times when it seemed as though people were looking at me driving that car and kind of dissing me for being some kind of a sell out rich guy. It starts playing with your head. I already had my comebacks planned. "Hey, don't judge me. I made all my money in comedy. And I did it through hard work." · At one point I was going west on I-10 and I look over at a guy in a Lexus and gave him one of those sarcastic, condescending disses (Pffff. Nice car). It might be a while before I ever get to do that again. 6/4/00 Day 2 · Leaving a hotel room is like a mini-move. There is the same type of anxiety on a much smaller scale. · I hit a traffic jam right outside of Houston. There must be a lot of comedians moving out to California this week. · I make it past San Antonio and now I'm into the desert part of Texas. On that part of the map there is not much writing and now it's easy to see why. But it's beautiful. Just minimalist shrubbery and rolling hills and tiny little semi-mountains. And this will go on for 500 miles before I get to El Paso. And then it will start up again. · I get off the Interstate for a break and go down a side road and get out of the car. It is unbelievably quiet. And I haven't seen the stars this bright and clear in many years. · Spent an hour listening to a guy on a radio station out of Waxahatchee, Texas. He is very busy preparing for a time when the United Nations steps in and finally establishes their one world government. He kept talking about all the military vehicles with UN printed on the side that had been "offloaded" in Texas and then driven west on I-10. I didn't see any the whole time. "They have already taken over the water systems of America." I had no idea. 6/5/00 Day 3 · I call to check messages on my voice mail but the number I have reached has been (boo doo doop) disconnected. Oh no. Say it ain't so. I smell a Bell South bureaucratic nightmare on the horizon. Now I'm on a pay phone in the middle of the beautiful Texas outback listening to Vivaldi. They completely bungled the transition. Please hold. · At mile marker 307 I hit a moth. It was brutal. I did everything I could but he came out of nowhere. You don't even want to know the details. I felt real bad. · Deep down I know this is the right move for my career. But at times I wonder why I'm doing all of this. The whole thing seems kind of silly. · Make it into New Mexico. I have come to the following conclusions. Texas has the worst pay phones. And New Mexico has the best lightning. It comes out of the sky and then splits in about 9 different directions. They probably don't get it that much but when they do, it puts on quite a show. · I saw my first ever tumbleweed. I was out of my car at the time, pulled over on the side of the road trying to capture some lightning on my new video camera that has a night vision setting. I think I got some good shots. And then, there it was - this big old bumbling tumbleweed determined to make it safely across I-10. It went bouncing along right in front of me and then landed up against a barbed wire fence. This thing was huge. And it had personality. I went over and picked it up and tossed it around a little bit. Very exciting stuff. · More calls to Bell South. I can never get the same person on the phone. So I keep using my line about the third violin being out of tune. It gets a laugh every time. I hate flutes. · I stayed the night at the Days Inn in Willcox, Arizona and signed on the Internet to check e-mails. I was only signed on for about 40 minutes and at one point got knocked offline (probably by a tumbleweed). Willcox is about 50 miles from Tucson and it's a long distance call to get online. In the morning I got the bill - $31.00 for two calls. And then I got the whole "I'm sorry sir" speech from the front desk. I will never stay at a Days Inn again. What a scam. 6/6/00 Day 4 · My God, this whole country is desert. · Still more of the Bell South nightmare. I think maybe the United Nations is tapping my line as we speak. · Best song to listen to when driving through a desert - Pancho and Lefty by Townes Van Zandt. · When I got into Arizona I really wanted to see was one of those "raise your right hand and repeat after me" cactus plants. I had heard that they were endangered and was afraid that I wasn't going to see one. Then, all of a sudden, hundreds of them. Wow. Every one of them had attitude. · Ya ever get mad at the sun? I hate when it gets low in the sky and you're driving straight west and right into it. There's nothing you can do about it. There's no one to complain to. · California agricultural check point. I'm almost there. But first… more desert. · Everybody says that this country is way too crowded. It's not. We have room for about two billion more. Bring your own water but by all means, come on in. · Finally got the Bell South voice mail thing straightened out. It took talking to 10 different people from 15 different pay phones in 8 different states. The Arrival · Up over the hill and… boom. There it is. Los Angeles, California. How strange to be here in this totally different world. I've visited here a lot of times but now I live here. I can't believe it. · I'm so glad I decided to drive instead of fly. I highly recommend it. It gave me the opportunity to really think about what I want to do with my life and my comedy career. For now though, my plan for the next few days is to get up early and get stuff done - work on my own personal infrastructure (car, apartment, cell phone, furniture etc.) It's the second half of the Big Move. I'm already moved out. Now it's time to move in. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers