The Modern Cure For Baldness

The Modern Cure For Baldness

I find it amazing that we can talk to each other on cell phones whenever we want using these satellites that are orbiting our globe and yet we still haven't figured out a cure for baldness. I don't consider baldness a problem because I'm not bald and yet when you watch TV or listen to the radio, the baldness ads dominate the airwaves. They never really tell you in the ad what the solution is. It's usually some kind of a "system."

I heard an ad on the radio one time for something called Apollo Hair Systems. They use the word Apollo to try to tie in to the whole space age technology thing - as though the two great accomplishments of the last century were landing a man on the moon and coming up with that new hair weave. They throw in the word system too. The word system is one of the most abused words in the history of marketing (X-treme - formerly Extreme - is the other). If you're selling an air conditioning unit, you should be able to use the word system in your ads. But a hair system? It makes it sound as though there are all kinds of moving parts. You're paying a lot of money because it's a very complicated interconnected system. There are pressure gauges, temperature controls and steam valves. It's very high tech. There are hundreds of things that could go wrong with this hairpiece and we want to be there for you when it breaks down. We have technicians on call 24 hours a day.

I predict that someday the problem of baldness is going to be solved using satellite technology. As long as they're saying that it's a system, let's really make it a system and utilize all of our modern capabilities to once and for all cure baldness. And while we're at it, let's really make it space age too.

So let's say you're bald. All you have to do is plant a very tiny global positioning chip on the top of your head. From there, a technician will take a video sample from the back of your head (your healthy hair like they say in the ads). From this sample they create a customized video hairpiece. Then the image of your hairpiece is uploaded into a satellite that is circling the globe. The satellite projects your video hairpiece hologram back down to earth is such a way so that it hovers one one-thousandth of an inch above your bald head. Wherever you go, your video hairpiece will follow. It's amazing! And it won't come off!

You might think that it wouldn't work indoors. But keep in mind that it's using the same technology as cell phones. So the video image of your hairpiece will penetrate walls and bridges and even tunnels. By the time this is up and running they'll have the bugs worked out on bad reception. Well, they better have the bugs worked out. That could get real embarrassing if your hair suddenly started disappearing due to bad reception.

But what if it's windy outside? The satellite will already know that it's windy because it will be in constant communication with that weather satellite that is floating nearby. It will know your weather situation wherever you are on the planet. It will take into account that you are in Milwaukee walking eastbound on Brady Street and that the wind is blowing at twenty miles per hour out of the southeast. So the computer in the satellite will animate your hairpiece to make it look like it's blowing in the wind at twenty miles per hour while walking eastbound on Brady Street. If you make a left and begin walking north, no problem, we got ya covered.

In fact the animated wind blown effect might even become a trendy fashion statement. Wouldn't it be fun to be inside of your workplace and decide to override the satellite and set your video hairpiece to a gentle breeze? How cool would that look? You're inside but your virtual hair is blowing like you're out in the meadow having a carefree day. Or let's say you're giving a presentation and you really want to grab their attention. Why not crank it up to tropical storm? Or how 'bout this? You want to be a little bit rebellious? You're walking eastbound down the street and the wind is blowing at ten miles per hour from the west. You could program your hair to make it look like the wind is coming from the east at 40 miles per hour. You'd get double take after double take and be the talk of the town. "Did you see that guy?"

But like every great advance in technology, there is always a downside. Imagine the following. You're out on a date. You're having a great time. And suddenly - your hair disappears. This can't be happening. You can almost hear your wife or girlfriend complaining. "Oh, great, Old Mr. High Tech forgot to pay his hair bill."

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	The Modern Cure For Baldness I find it amazing that we can talk to each other on cell phones whenever we want using these satellites that are orbiting our globe and yet we still haven't figured out a cure for baldness. I don't consider baldness a problem because I'm not bald and yet when you watch TV or listen to the radio, the baldness ads dominate the airwaves. They never really tell you in the ad what the solution is. It's usually some kind of a "system." I heard an ad on the radio one time for something called Apollo Hair Systems. They use the word Apollo to try to tie in to the whole space age technology thing - as though the two great accomplishments of the last century were landing a man on the moon and coming up with that new hair weave. They throw in the word system too. The word system is one of the most abused words in the history of marketing (X-treme - formerly Extreme - is the other). If you're selling an air conditioning unit, you should be able to use the word system in your ads. But a hair system? It makes it sound as though there are all kinds of moving parts. You're paying a lot of money because it's a very complicated interconnected system. There are pressure gauges, temperature controls and steam valves. It's very high tech. There are hundreds of things that could go wrong with this hairpiece and we want to be there for you when it breaks down. We have technicians on call 24 hours a day. I predict that someday the problem of baldness is going to be solved using satellite technology. As long as they're saying that it's a system, let's really make it a system and utilize all of our modern capabilities to once and for all cure baldness. And while we're at it, let's really make it space age too. So let's say you're bald. All you have to do is plant a very tiny global positioning chip on the top of your head. From there, a technician will take a video sample from the back of your head (your healthy hair like they say in the ads). From this sample they create a customized video hairpiece. Then the image of your hairpiece is uploaded into a satellite that is circling the globe. The satellite projects your video hairpiece hologram back down to earth is such a way so that it hovers one one-thousandth of an inch above your bald head. Wherever you go, your video hairpiece will follow. It's amazing! And it won't come off! You might think that it wouldn't work indoors. But keep in mind that it's using the same technology as cell phones. So the video image of your hairpiece will penetrate walls and bridges and even tunnels. By the time this is up and running they'll have the bugs worked out on bad reception. Well, they better have the bugs worked out. That could get real embarrassing if your hair suddenly started disappearing due to bad reception. But what if it's windy outside? The satellite will already know that it's windy because it will be in constant communication with that weather satellite that is floating nearby. It will know your weather situation wherever you are on the planet. It will take into account that you are in Milwaukee walking eastbound on Brady Street and that the wind is blowing at twenty miles per hour out of the southeast. So the computer in the satellite will animate your hairpiece to make it look like it's blowing in the wind at twenty miles per hour while walking eastbound on Brady Street. If you make a left and begin walking north, no problem, we got ya covered. In fact the animated wind blown effect might even become a trendy fashion statement. Wouldn't it be fun to be inside of your workplace and decide to override the satellite and set your video hairpiece to a gentle breeze? How cool would that look? You're inside but your virtual hair is blowing like you're out in the meadow having a carefree day. Or let's say you're giving a presentation and you really want to grab their attention. Why not crank it up to tropical storm? Or how 'bout this? You want to be a little bit rebellious? You're walking eastbound down the street and the wind is blowing at ten miles per hour from the west. You could program your hair to make it look like the wind is coming from the east at 40 miles per hour. You'd get double take after double take and be the talk of the town. "Did you see that guy?" But like every great advance in technology, there is always a downside. Imagine the following. You're out on a date. You're having a great time. And suddenly - your hair disappears. This can't be happening. You can almost hear your wife or girlfriend complaining. "Oh, great, Old Mr. High Tech forgot to pay his hair bill." close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers