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Oh,
How I Hate Advertising In the past few months there has been a lot of restructuring of the Federal Government. And I'm all for it. But while we're at it, I think we should tackle one of our most deeply seated societal problems. There's way too much annoying, misleading and insulting advertising out there, especially on TV. I think the time has come for some good old-fashioned Government intervention. So we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, have decided to create a brand new Government body - The Department of False Advertising. A new cabinet position will be created and it will be my honor to take the helm and serve my country. On day one of my new job I will put the world of advertising on notice with the following: No more car ads with a waving American Flag. No more chimes. No more flutes. No more giggling children. No more singing children. And especially, no more singing foreign children. We know why you use kids from other countries in your ads. They're supposed to make us feel globally harmonious. And we're not going to fall for it any more. No more children that mispronounce words to make us feel all gushy inside. You know the words I'm talkin' about - hopsital, aminal, cimminon and evelator. You might think it's precious. But it's not. And why is it that every time a kid mispronounces a word in an ad they have to follow it up with two quick musical notes in order to accent the adorable little mistake. "But Mom-my, I like… am-in-als." Bling Bleeeng. Let's take things one step further. How 'bout this? No more children in ads - period. There's a commercial out there right now for an insurance company named Allianz. A cute little girl asks her Daddy to call her on the phone when he's out on the road working hard for his company. And he promises his little angel that he will call. And this captain of industry keeps his promise, damn it. And he calls his little princess as we hear the song lyrics "no matter where you go, I'll be with you." The music builds to nauseating crescendo just as the kid cries, "Daddd-eeee." I didn't think it was possible to push that many buttons in thirty seconds. Allianz set a new record and it will cost them dearly. Now, as long as we have Allianz in our sites, no more companies with those high tech sounding names that don't mean anything. Verizon, Qwest, Accenture, Cingular and especially Enron. It's over. Change your name or perish. You can't keep making up words out of thin air. What you're basically saying to us is this -"we know what these words mean. And you don't." It's way too pompous. Cease and desist immediately. No more grumpy, suburban, deadpan talking white guys who don't get it. Believe it or not, there are suburban white guys out there who are capable of liking more than just beer and satellite TV. You're no longer allowed to use stereotypical Italian characters in food commercials. It's been played out. Not everybody in this world is just sittin' out on the stoop eatin' a sliiiiice while mamma slaves away in the kitchen to make-a-da-pasta - heeeeeyyyyy. Stop talking with your hands and stop using the word heeeeeyyyyyy. Just because you use the phrase fuggedaboutit doesn't mean you're a character. You shouldn't be able to use ethnic charm as advertising manipulation. No more using over the top ethnic blue collar actors to talk to us about heartburn. "I'm eatin' a pastrami on rye and I sez to the guy, I sez to the guy, heeyyyyyy." Okay, we get it - you don't fall for any of that high falutin' mumbo jumbo. Well, neither do we. You don't have any more common sense than the rest of us and stop overacting when you chew your food. No more talking animals. No more using the letter X or the word X-treme. The X craze is over. Let it go. No more use of that sound effect that resembles a sword being swooshed through the air. Whooooooh. Do you know the sound I'm talking about? It sounds like a golf club being swung through the air at full speed. They use it all the time on the Sit-com Malcolm in the Middle. And now half the ads in the world use it to convey humor. It usually accompanies a quick edit. It's really starting to wear thin so cut it out. No more jaded, detached, voiceovers. Please don't try to make us believe that the guy who is narrating your ad doesn't care if the product sells or not. We're not buying it. The two current abusers in this regard are Toshiba copiers and Cheez-its. "Cheez-its. Get your own box." I used to like Cheez-its. Not anymore. Stop using the word global. Everybody is global now. All you need to be global is a computer and a phone line. It's not that big of an accomplishment so stop bragging about it. There is a series of ads out right now for Macintosh Computers that highlight a particularly annoying trend. All of the actors talk with the same predictable, halting cadence. Um, yeah, um, we're, um just very regular folks and we're um, very unthreatening and we uh, well, we're just like you. And aw shucks, well if we feel this way, well, um so should you. And while we're on the subject of a halting delivery, actors will no longer be allowed to use the overly exaggerated pause in order to show that they're pondering their next thought. Your next thought is right there in the script, don't act as though you're just now thinking of it. Commercials for computer companies are most guilty of this one. They love to use a small town coffee shop setting with some down home folksy characters - usually a couple of 65-year-old grumpy waitresses. Then they imbue them with all this technical knowledge. Suddenly, Mildred is riffing on and on about Megahertz, Gigabytes and stackable servers that network together in a safe firewall protected environment while she's slinging her eggs and coffee across the counter. See what they did? They used her as a pawn to show the absurdity of someone as basic as Mildred using all that high tech lingo. "Hey look everybody, someone as normal as a waitress was able to grasp all these complicated concepts. How preposterous. Ha ha ha. See how we juxtaposed our intelligence with such a simple-minded small town setting? Ha ha ha. Get it?" Yes we get it. It's very condescending and the DFA will no longer stand for it. If you're selling computers or software you're no longer allowed to use the phrase "and lots of really cool stuff." We know that your company is not that informal. You can no longer use voiceovers with British accents. The name of the car is Jaguar. It's not "Jag U Waaa." Stop using the phrase "they've been using it in Europe for years." No more butchering of Beatles songs. You are no longer allowed to use background music that sounds like a choir of singing angels. You want us to believe that the angels are on your side. But they probably don't care all that much about your team of dedicated professionals. And stop throwing Buddhists into your ads for no reason at all. I know you want us to think that your company is deep but it's shameless. No more supermodels with Slovenian accents. The name of the beer is Miller. It's not "Meeeeeler." There will be a special division of the Department of False Advertising reserved just for beer ads. There's a good chance that they will be outlawed altogether. I know it would hurt the economy but who cares. Too many people are getting their worldview from beer commercials. The smirky cool guy always gets the beer. And he always gets the girl. You're no longer allowed to make lame attempts to keep up with the latest musical trends. Advertisers are always about 5 to 10 years behind. Right now they're going through their Tupac phase. They're trying to sell products to us using watered down gangsta rap - which is impossible. They're gangstas. But they're friendly and smiling. And they drink Bud. Because Bud is True. What is so true about Budweiser? Are your ads being written by angry young poets now? Beer can't be true. Beer can't have artistic integrity. You're no longer allowed to use the word dude in ads. Dude is an overrated word and too many people have put it up on a pedestal. It's a word that's been around for many years. It's not all that shocking or cute or rebellious when someone says it. Anybody who's sitting on the beach drinking Corona's while the seagulls are flying overhead - get a job. No more Folger's coffee ads during the holidays with their over use of all those sappy sound effects designed to evoke warm holiday feelings in all of us. The sound of the scoop hitting the coffee grinds, the sound of the water chug-a-lugging into the cup. The woman all curled up in her warm blanket waking up and giving a contented, happy yawn and stretch. And the sound of her sniffing air and smelling that fresh ground Folgers. We haven't yet figured out why this is so annoying. But your days are numbered Folgers. No more use of those singing tribes of Masai warriors from the African Serengeti. It's always the same song. Ooooh Naaaa Naaaa Ayyyy Naaaa Naaaa. Waaaa Laaaa Wuuuu Laaaa. Oooommmmm. Ooooommmmm. Our research has shown that the Masai warriors, despite your attempt to prove otherwise, couldn't care less about your Lifesavers. In California we have a hamburger chain called Carl's Junior. The entire chain should be taken over and mowed down by brand new tanks that proudly display the Department of False Advertising logo on the side. The DFA swat team would move in and level the Carl's Jr. buildings. And whoever thought of those ads and anyone that's ever acted in one of those ads should be jailed until they realize the severity of their crimes against humanity. If you don't live in California and have no idea what I'm talking about, consider yourself lucky. These ads are a blight on our state. They are the most insulting ads in the history of advertising and they in fact are the reason that the Department of False Advertising was ever created. The DFA is, for the most part, a non-violent government wing. But Carl's Jr. has pushed us too far. They portray these over the top pseudo tough guys with three days growth of beard who slobber over these disgusting hamburgers. It's gross. And the DFA has had enough of it. After the Department of False Advertising is through, we will all live happily ever after in a land filled with very bland advertising. And that's exactly the point of the whole thing. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY!
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