Oh, How I Hate Budweiser

Oh, How I Hate Budweiser

I like drinking beer but for some reason I've never really liked Budweiser. Budweiser has always given me a headache. Over the holidays I think I finally realized why. It's their advertising. I thought that maybe it was some kind of secret ingredient that their master brewers were throwing into the mix. Most American beers taste the same to me and they're probably all made with the exact same ingredients. The only thing that differentiates them is their marketing. So it must be the Budweiser ads that give me the headache. My brain is making some kind of a subconscious connection with that logo and those ads. I watched a lot of football over the holidays. It's so much easier to get into the NFL when your team is doing well. I'm a lifelong Eagles fan. The Eagles have this amazing ability to draw you into their realm almost every year and then they somehow find a way to disappoint. This year will be different though. I can just feel it in the air.

Advertising during football games is the worst. I am so close to finally getting TIVO. I don't know why but the mute button on my remote doesn't work. How's that for a modern day horror? Can you imagine going through life with a broken mute button? Well I can. It's almost barbaric. So here's what I do, since I despise advertising so much, especially during football games, I switch to C-SPAN during commercial breaks. The best thing about CSPAN is that it guarantees absolutely no advertising. PBS can't even offer that anymore. So if you're watching football on a Sunday with no mute button and you don't like advertising, just click on over to CSPAN for two minutes and you're safe. That's what it's there for. CSPAN is the poor man's TIVO. Blending football and politics is a perfectly good way to spend a Sunday afternoon. And I like to get my politics in snippets anyway. It makes for a perfect American combination of misplaced priorities. On the one hand, you're worried about David Akers making a field goal in order to beat the Giants and gain home field advantage throughout the playoffs. On the other hand, for those two-minute commercial breaks you get to hear some fragments on how the possible nuclear Armageddon is shaping up. If it's true that we are now living in the end times, it's not that bad really. We have cable and pizza and ice cream and some really great football. When I was growing up, I thought the end times would be much more troubling.

Budweiser ads are much worse over the holidays. During the first 50 weeks of the year, they basically tell the entire male population of the Western hemisphere that it's okay to act stupid, raise hell, lie to your friends about how many beers you have left, treat women with absolutely no respect at all, and you'll be fine, as long as you're drinking Bud. I guess that's the nature of beer advertising. They have to appeal to the Neanderthal in all of us in order to sell their product. Fine. But then during the holidays, they do this about face and suddenly, they trot the Clydesdale horses. All the goobers disappear and now we're living in this quaint tree lined idyllic world of twinkly Christmas lights, cobblestones and a brand new blanket of holiday snow. It's their annual video Christmas card to all of us. Now it's all about family and that jingle jingle chimey feel good sentimentality. Oh, and please, don't forget to drink responsibly. From one alcoholic family to another - Merry Christmas.

Suddenly, Budweiser, the beer that's so proud of its redneck, patriotic, bedrock American affiliation, is all classed up for the holidays. Hey, come on all you bloated alcoholics, it's time to hold your chin high, get into family and drink responsibly for all those MADD Mothers out there.

Then, on January 2nd, they look both ways to make sure the coast is clear and it's back to Wooooooo and Waaasssssssuuuup. It's back to building a trap door in your refrigerator so that your best friend doesn't know that there's any more beer left. You want all the beer for yourself. In all these beer-drinker-as-victim ads, the guy who never gets the beer or the girl always seems to look like Elvis Costello. There's a huge Elvis Costello, thick black glasses thing going on in Advertising these days. If you live anywhere in America and you're in your early thirties and you're hard up for money and you can put on a pair of thick, black glasses and look anything like Elvis Costello, by all means get on a bus and come on out to Los Angeles. Before you get your bags out of the belly of the bus, you'll be signed up and on the set of a commercial shoot in no time at all. But save your money. Because as soon as the Elvis Costello pendulum shifts the other way, you're done. Here's your bus ticket. Thanks for helping us out. Now go home.

Budweiser is sending us mixed signals. Every year in Daytona Beach, Florida, Budweiser is the only beer you're allowed to drink during Bike Week, the annual gathering of bikers. And then during the holidays, it's all about family and honor and cobblestones. And that makes absolutely no sense at all. Because we all know how much bikers hate cobblestones.

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	Oh, How I Hate Budweiser I like drinking beer but for some reason I've never really liked Budweiser. Budweiser has always given me a headache. Over the holidays I think I finally realized why. It's their advertising. I thought that maybe it was some kind of secret ingredient that their master brewers were throwing into the mix. Most American beers taste the same to me and they're probably all made with the exact same ingredients. The only thing that differentiates them is their marketing. So it must be the Budweiser ads that give me the headache. My brain is making some kind of a subconscious connection with that logo and those ads. I watched a lot of football over the holidays. It's so much easier to get into the NFL when your team is doing well. I'm a lifelong Eagles fan. The Eagles have this amazing ability to draw you into their realm almost every year and then they somehow find a way to disappoint. This year will be different though. I can just feel it in the air. Advertising during football games is the worst. I am so close to finally getting TIVO. I don't know why but the mute button on my remote doesn't work. How's that for a modern day horror? Can you imagine going through life with a broken mute button? Well I can. It's almost barbaric. So here's what I do, since I despise advertising so much, especially during football games, I switch to C-SPAN during commercial breaks. The best thing about CSPAN is that it guarantees absolutely no advertising. PBS can't even offer that anymore. So if you're watching football on a Sunday with no mute button and you don't like advertising, just click on over to CSPAN for two minutes and you're safe. That's what it's there for. CSPAN is the poor man's TIVO. Blending football and politics is a perfectly good way to spend a Sunday afternoon. And I like to get my politics in snippets anyway. It makes for a perfect American combination of misplaced priorities. On the one hand, you're worried about David Akers making a field goal in order to beat the Giants and gain home field advantage throughout the playoffs. On the other hand, for those two-minute commercial breaks you get to hear some fragments on how the possible nuclear Armageddon is shaping up. If it's true that we are now living in the end times, it's not that bad really. We have cable and pizza and ice cream and some really great football. When I was growing up, I thought the end times would be much more troubling. Budweiser ads are much worse over the holidays. During the first 50 weeks of the year, they basically tell the entire male population of the Western hemisphere that it's okay to act stupid, raise hell, lie to your friends about how many beers you have left, treat women with absolutely no respect at all, and you'll be fine, as long as you're drinking Bud. I guess that's the nature of beer advertising. They have to appeal to the Neanderthal in all of us in order to sell their product. Fine. But then during the holidays, they do this about face and suddenly, they trot the Clydesdale horses. All the goobers disappear and now we're living in this quaint tree lined idyllic world of twinkly Christmas lights, cobblestones and a brand new blanket of holiday snow. It's their annual video Christmas card to all of us. Now it's all about family and that jingle jingle chimey feel good sentimentality. Oh, and please, don't forget to drink responsibly. From one alcoholic family to another - Merry Christmas. Suddenly, Budweiser, the beer that's so proud of its redneck, patriotic, bedrock American affiliation, is all classed up for the holidays. Hey, come on all you bloated alcoholics, it's time to hold your chin high, get into family and drink responsibly for all those MADD Mothers out there. Then, on January 2nd, they look both ways to make sure the coast is clear and it's back to Wooooooo and Waaasssssssuuuup. It's back to building a trap door in your refrigerator so that your best friend doesn't know that there's any more beer left. You want all the beer for yourself. In all these beer-drinker-as-victim ads, the guy who never gets the beer or the girl always seems to look like Elvis Costello. There's a huge Elvis Costello, thick black glasses thing going on in Advertising these days. If you live anywhere in America and you're in your early thirties and you're hard up for money and you can put on a pair of thick, black glasses and look anything like Elvis Costello, by all means get on a bus and come on out to Los Angeles. Before you get your bags out of the belly of the bus, you'll be signed up and on the set of a commercial shoot in no time at all. But save your money. Because as soon as the Elvis Costello pendulum shifts the other way, you're done. Here's your bus ticket. Thanks for helping us out. Now go home. Budweiser is sending us mixed signals. Every year in Daytona Beach, Florida, Budweiser is the only beer you're allowed to drink during Bike Week, the annual gathering of bikers. And then during the holidays, it's all about family and honor and cobblestones. And that makes absolutely no sense at all. Because we all know how much bikers hate cobblestones. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers