A comedy blurb-a-thon!!

The Comedy Blurb-a-Thon

This month - it's a comedy blurb-a-thon. Here goes.

I just read something in the paper that caused me to completely change my position on the issue of war. It said that there is a new show on ABC called "Am I Hot?" I haven't yet seen the show but just knowing that it's out there is enough. My new position on the war is that I'm now in favor of total global nuclear annihilation. It's our only hope. Let's pray that a few viruses survive and this failed experiment known as humanity can start over from scratch in another few billion years. And hopefully only the hottest viruses will survive.

People take their pizza WAY too seriously.

DVD's came out and the world got a little less kind. Because now we don't get to read those video stickers that say, "Please be kind. Rewind." They should keep the stickers. But now they should just say "please be kind."

You can always tell how cool a black guy thinks you are by how far into the black handshake he takes you. If he goes past the first traditional white man shake and at least gives you a little bit of that interlocking finger tug, then you know he thinks you're somewhat cool. From his standpoint, he has to be thinkin' "Oh great, a white guy." He has to instantaneously size you up and make a split second decision about the upcoming handshake. "OK, he looks a little cool. I'll go white shake and then a little bit of a finger tug but I am not gonna bash elbows with this guy."

This is an email I wrote to the Fox News Network a couple months ago:

Hello Fox News,

I just watched the last few minutes of Fox Report with Shepard Smith. I like your network but I just realized how much you folks rely on sound effects and mechanized drumbeats to tell your stories.

I know that there are many news shows out there that have been accused of blurring the line between news and entertainment. Your show seems to have achieved a whole new level. You've successfully blurred the line between news and disco. Thank you.

Tom Ryan

Ya ever run into someone who isn't sure whether they're a person who uses the word man or dude. They're all confused. They'll say, "Hey man, how's it goin' dude?" There aren't that many of them. But they're out there. And they're all about 33 years old. They came of age just when we were making the transition from man to dude. If they're 34 they say hey man how's it goin' dude. And if they're 32 they say hey dude how's it goin' man. I feel bad for them. Sooner or later they're gonna have to decide. I remember dude's first year. I never thought it would last. I used it once in a live situation and it just didn't feel right. I'm just not a dude man. I think dude is finally on its way out. Ya know why? Bro. That's right. Bro is the new dude just like dude was the new man. But I don't think it's going to last either. Because? Dog. How did that happen? We started out as men. And we ended up as dogs.

Here's a letter I wrote recently to CitiBank:

Dear CitiBank,

The Mafia called. They want their interest rate back.

Tom Ryan

Out in Los Angeles there are these spray painted messages all over the sidewalks that say "no more prisons." They're written with the use of stencils. These stencils are available down at the Anarchy Depot. They're right next to the easy burnin' flags. There's a sign out front at the Anarchy Depot that says, "Under NO Management."

Very few people know this but rock bottom has its good days and bad.

I met Madonna one time. It was only for about 2 minutes. And right in front of my eyes, she reinvented herself.

Have you ever been to Tampa? It's the only city in America that should join AA. "Hi my name's Tampa. And I'm an alcoholic."

Who the hell is breaking all the factory windows? In every factory I've ever seen, half the windows are broken.

Big balls are overrated. See that guy in the fight over there? Ya mean that world champion kick boxer? Yeah? Well, he's got real tiny balls. He's fearless. See that guy over there laying in the corner all curled up in the fetal position? Yeah? Huge balls.

Have you ever been in a really good mood and think "finally - this one's permanent."

"Ya know the Nyquil divides the Dayquil
Dayquil divides the Nyquil
Try to run
Try to hide
Break on through
To the other side..."

In all those anti-drug ads they always use the coolest kids as actors in the commercials. And kids sitting at home must be wondering how these cool kids got so cool. They have to assume that they got so cool from doing all those drugs.

Why do all politicians try to out-outsider each other?

Well, take a good look at me. I live in California but I don't have a very good tan. The only way I'm ever gonna get a good tan is through a process called reincarnation.

No matter what personality type a sports figure is, announcers will praise them by putting down their opposite. "In this age of loud mouthed millionaires and big egos he's quiet and humble and keeps his head down and works hard." Or, "In this age of boring athletes who give nothing back, he brings a lot of flare to the game."

Dear God, What's wrong with ALL JOY ALL THE TIME?

close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page


	The Comedy Blurb-a-Thon This month - it's a comedy blurb-a-thon. Here goes. I just read something in the paper that caused me to completely change my position on the issue of war. It said that there is a new show on ABC called "Am I Hot?" I haven't yet seen the show but just knowing that it's out there is enough. My new position on the war is that I'm now in favor of total global nuclear annihilation. It's our only hope. Let's pray that a few viruses survive and this failed experiment known as humanity can start over from scratch in another few billion years. And hopefully only the hottest viruses will survive. People take their pizza WAY too seriously. DVD's came out and the world got a little less kind. Because now we don't get to read those video stickers that say, "Please be kind. Rewind." They should keep the stickers. But now they should just say "please be kind." You can always tell how cool a black guy thinks you are by how far into the black handshake he takes you. If he goes past the first traditional white man shake and at least gives you a little bit of that interlocking finger tug, then you know he thinks you're somewhat cool. From his standpoint, he has to be thinkin' "Oh great, a white guy." He has to instantaneously size you up and make a split second decision about the upcoming handshake. "OK, he looks a little cool. I'll go white shake and then a little bit of a finger tug but I am not gonna bash elbows with this guy." This is an email I wrote to the Fox News Network a couple months ago: *Hello Fox News,* I just watched the last few minutes of Fox Report with Shepard Smith. I like your network but I just realized how much you folks rely on sound effects and mechanized drumbeats to tell your stories. I know that there are many news shows out there that have been accused of blurring the line between news and entertainment. Your show seems to have achieved a whole new level. You've successfully blurred the line between news and disco. Thank you. Tom Ryan Ya ever run into someone who isn't sure whether they're a person who uses the word man or dude. They're all confused. They'll say, "Hey man, how's it goin' dude?" There aren't that many of them. But they're out there. And they're all about 33 years old. They came of age just when we were making the transition from man to dude. If they're 34 they say hey man how's it goin' dude. And if they're 32 they say hey dude how's it goin' man. I feel bad for them. Sooner or later they're gonna have to decide. I remember dude's first year. I never thought it would last. I used it once in a live situation and it just didn't feel right. I'm just not a dude man. I think dude is finally on its way out. Ya know why? Bro. That's right. Bro is the new dude just like dude was the new man. But I don't think it's going to last either. Because? Dog. How did that happen? We started out as men. And we ended up as dogs. Here's a letter I wrote recently to CitiBank: *Dear CitiBank,* The Mafia called. They want their interest rate back. Tom Ryan Out in Los Angeles there are these spray painted messages all over the sidewalks that say "no more prisons." They're written with the use of stencils. These stencils are available down at the Anarchy Depot. They're right next to the easy burnin' flags. There's a sign out front at the Anarchy Depot that says, "Under NO Management." Very few people know this but rock bottom has its good days and bad. I met Madonna one time. It was only for about 2 minutes. And right in front of my eyes, she reinvented herself. Have you ever been to Tampa? It's the only city in America that should join AA. "Hi my name's Tampa. And I'm an alcoholic." Who the hell is breaking all the factory windows? In every factory I've ever seen, half the windows are broken. Big balls are overrated. See that guy in the fight over there? Ya mean that world champion kick boxer? Yeah? Well, he's got real tiny balls. He's fearless. See that guy over there laying in the corner all curled up in the fetal position? Yeah? Huge balls. Have you ever been in a really good mood and think "finally - this one's permanent." *"Ya know the Nyquil divides the Dayquil* Dayquil divides the Nyquil Try to run Try to hide Break on through To the other side..." In all those anti-drug ads they always use the coolest kids as actors in the commercials. And kids sitting at home must be wondering how these cool kids got so cool. They have to assume that they got so cool from doing all those drugs. Why do all politicians try to out-outsider each other? Well, take a good look at me. I live in California but I don't have a very good tan. The only way I'm ever gonna get a good tan is through a process called reincarnation. No matter what personality type a sports figure is, announcers will praise them by putting down their opposite. "In this age of loud mouthed millionaires and big egos he's quiet and humble and keeps his head down and works hard." Or, "In this age of boring athletes who give nothing back, he brings a lot of flare to the game." Dear God, What's wrong with ALL JOY ALL THE TIME? close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY! A magazine about standup... http://www.sheckymagazine.com ©Copyright 1999 Independent Together Brian McKim & Traci Skene Comics\Writers\Producers