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The
Copy-and-Paste-a-Thon! Here we go. A copy and paste-a-thon: I was in a health food store one time and an argument broke out between two mellow people. You don't wanna get caught in the middle of one of those things. It's better to just sit back, relax and enjoy the non-stop passive aggressive fireworks fly. They were trying to out mellow each other. He took a deep breath and counted to ten and tried to change the subject. She wasn't buying it and asked him if they could discuss it later over a cup of herbal tea. He said no and then she snapped and called him insensitive. Ooooh, I hate violence. Some people say that I'm too much of a nice guy - just because I answer all my spam. I saw this report on the news. Someone did a study on Bi-polar disorder. How do you tally those results? At any given time 50% of the people are gonna report that they "feel great!" Are they cured or manic? The biggest spin of all time was pulled off by the coal industry. Oh I see, now it's a new clean burning coal. How did that happen? Did the carbon atom reconfigure itself? I once got stranded on a tiny desert island and my God, I've never seen such a collection of great albums. Most marriages end in divorce and most divorces end in marriage. In other words, most marriages have sad endings and most divorces have happy endings. I saw a book in the bookstore called "How to sell anything to anybody". There shouldn't be people out there walking around with that particular "skill". "Jim's doing quite well with snowboard sales. He's found an untapped market among the senior citizens." Times New Roman - man, you talk about an overrated font. I still can't figure out how a tattoo works. The ink lasts for fifty years. Shouldn't we consider painting houses with this stuff? I spent the day today fiddling, puttering, tinkering and fidgeting. Ya ever been sitting on the couch and you're so tired - too tired to get up and go to bed. But you know ya have to. So finally you fight the urge to fall asleep on the couch and you can't wait to go to bed but you wish you could just magically transfer over there. So you get up and walk over to the bed. Now you're lying in bed and you're wide awake. Somehow the walk from the couch to the bed has totally reinvigorated you. Ya ever learn a new word and you start flaunting it, even if it doesn't fit the conversation. You're sittin' there and somebody is talking about something that is not really a coincidence but it's close enough so you jump in with "really, how fortuitous". Redneck - party of 5 - your table is ready to be trashed. I once got heckled by a guy who later denied that he heckled. After the show he came up to me and said, "hey buddy, I ain't no jeckler." Jeckler. He didn't even know what it was that he claimed not to be. Ya know what? We don't want to admit it but Politicians are a lot smarter than us. Watch C-Span for an hour. They might be less ethical than us but they are definitely smarter. Everyone says that they don't really represent our population. Good. I don't want an average person in there. Everyone says that they should have real people in office. You think that would work? Do you think average Joe would be able to keep up on the floor of the Senate? His first question would be "Um, yeah, uh, what's a referendum?" I basically consider myself to be a nice guy. Nice guys have a secret society and we all have an agreement. We all say, "look, you be nice to me and I'll be nice to you." It makes life that much easier. And we're trying to convert everyone else over to our way of thinking. We're just not that good at it. Our eventual goal is to achieve world peace through a nice guy outlook on life. Nexium, Plavix, Paxil, Botox, Clarinex, Xanax, Zyvox, Celebrex, Celexa, Desenex, Denerex, Dulcolax Drixoral, Maalox. And Rogaine - which contains Monoxidil. No wonder they call it detox. They're still showing Lawrence Welk reruns on PBS. That show is white people's Amos and Andy. I'm really starting to get sick of being myself. I've had it up to here with me. I hate my own guts. I am my own ball and chain. I see through me. I am really starting to get on my own nerves. When your life comes to a point where you're spending a lot of time dealing with Western Union, Greyhound and pay phones - you have hit the desperation trifecta. About once a year you see that news story where they show a 50-year-old guy who just learned how to read. And he always says that he was so ashamed that he hid it from his family his whole life. How do you hide the fact that you can't read from your family? You have to practically be a genius to pull that off. You're in a foreign country every day. You get a birthday card and act as though you're reading it, pause just the right amount, shake your head, smile and say "ahhh thanks Pumpkin." After a while the kids probably catch on. And then they want to see if their suspicions are true. So on your next birthday card it says "Hey Dad, we hate you. You're a horrible father. "Ahhh, thanks Pumpkin." At one point in
its history, the paper clip was considered very high tech. They had
to train people how it worked. They probably held meetings to help explain
the finer points. "Are there any questions?" "Yes, when the clip is
reused is there an additional risk of breakage due to the fact that
it is now being bent for the second time?" "Good question. We are fairly
confident that it will hold up in every day use even if the clip is
reused over and over again. We have done things to the clip that you
would never dream of doing out in the field." (Now here comes the anecdotal
evidence) "We had a guy up in Pittsburgh who wrote in and told us that
he used one clip to hold together 17 pieces of paper. Now we wouldn't
recommend that any of you do that but I'll tell you what, I've tried
it myself and I was amazed at how strong the clip was." A murmur goes
through the room. close this window to return to the Tom Ryan writing page SHECKY!
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